


Seasons

by drunkimnotiswear



Category: GOT7, JJ Project
Genre: Actor Park Jinyoung (GOT7), Alpha Im Jaebum | JB, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Anal Sex, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Established Relationship, Eventual Happy Ending, Fertility Issues, Heavy Angst, I promise!!, M/M, Miscarriage, Mpreg, Omega Park Jinyoung (GOT7), Singer Im Jaebum | JB
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-12
Updated: 2020-09-20
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:40:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 20,868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25213300
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drunkimnotiswear/pseuds/drunkimnotiswear
Summary: BREAKING NEWS!Does Korea's 'It' couple, the nation's First Love  - Park Jinyoung and the legendary soloist - Im Jaebeom, finally have a baby on the way? Is the power couple of the last decade finally starting a family? Rumours are flying as Park Jinyoung seems to be glowing.Could it be? Netizens are going back and forth debating if the Im Family could possibly be expanding. Avid fans on Jaebeom's fancafe have been noticing how he's smiling more at fan meets. All these signs all point to the signs that YES! They're expecting.When your life is probed and prodded, privacy is a foreign concept. Every day, you put on an act for the adoring audience and even when your life is falling apart. You have to pretend it isn't. That's the life of Park Jinyoung and Im Jaebeom.Starting a family while in the limelight is not as easy as the Kardashians make it out to be.'Trigger Warning: Miscarriage! Don't read this if the topic discomforts you. The author acknowledges that this is a sensitive topic and should be dealt with carefully. '
Relationships: Im Jaebum | JB/Park Jinyoung
Comments: 21
Kudos: 291





	1. Chapter 1

Jinyoung was pretty sure he knew the exact day when he had conceived.

He had just finished his latest project before he had run out of his last dosage of suppressants and he could feel that itch of his heat starting. As soon as his manager dropped him off at the apartment complex Jinyoung shared with his husband, Jinyoung had to grit his teeth before he doubled over in pain. The media would have a field day if they managed to get pictures of Jinyoung almost collapsing. Following which - he'll be directed questions about his health in the following press conferences he was to attend. 

Which to be honest, was none of their damn business. Jinyoung may be the nation's prince charming, but he didn't have to make his personal life known to everyone and their mother. He valued his privacy and was one of the few A-Lister celebrities that had a private wedding ceremony. 

Jinyoung had been accused of being ashamed of marrying an alpha. He had been accused of 'buying into' the whole romanticised dominant and submissive relationship even though he was an Omega rights activist. He remembers the PR nightmare his entire career was when he attended the Omega Rights charity event without Jaebeom. 

Jinyoung knows that the media liked to portray omega activism through rose-tinted glasses. With companies discussing Omega empowerment as a form of boosting their brand image but still paying their omega workers less than their alpha counterparts.

Somehow, he was the 'hypocrite' for marrying Im Jaebeom who was his first and only love who just happened to be an alpha. He didn't understand how their desire for privacy ended up becoming the headlines of salacious gossip magazines on how Park Jinyoung was ashamed of marrying an alpha.

Jinyoung advocated for equal treatment of omegas in the workforce, the removal of the glass ceiling when it came to omega's pay grades and a higher representation of omegas in leadership positions. He didn't advocate for omega supremacy or deny the biological imperatives of omegas to bear children. Somehow, the term 'omega rights activist' became something worth mocking in the media.

Jinyoung loved and hated his job. He was thankful that his degree in acting wasn't merely going to be a piece of paper on their mantlepiece at home, but one thing he wasn't grateful for was how invasive and brutal the media sphere was.

Jinyoung had a pristine image, and really the only blemishes on it had to do with how at his age he still hadn't started a family with Jaebeom. Somehow, at his age - as a male omega he was supposed to have started a family. Moved on from starring as heart-throbs in action films and sensational blockbusters to the mellow family dramas. 

Jinyoung was expected to have children. To many, it appeared that he and Jaebeom cared too much about their careers to start a family. After all, from an observer's perspective - they were the most prominent figures in their respective fields. They didn't need or have the time for a family. Not with their sky-rocketing success with no foreseeable plateau in sight. 

They were the media's 'it' couple. That had that perfect romance. Jinyoung had met Jaebeom as the other was singing a track on the OST of his latest drama. The director was one of Jinyoung's long-time favourite to work with - the charismatic, dog-lover Choi Youngjae.

It wasn't out of the ordinary that Jinyoung was invited to listen in on the recording. To this day - Jinyoung would say that it was one of the worst first meetings and impressions that could have possibly happened. Jaebeom was late, Jinyoung was too. The only difference was that he wasn't the one that was needed in the studio - was he?

They both rushed in from two different directions and walked right into each other. It was a head-on collision. It was also just his luck that Jaebeom had bought Youngjae a cup of coffee as an apology for being late. Youngjae's americano splashed all over the front of Jinyoung's woollen sweater. The rest is history and documented rather excessively in media.

The one thing that the media got wrong was - Jinyoung wants. God he wants. He wants so much to have a family with Jaebeom. He wants to have a family with the other, he wants those quiet mornings, cradling their baby and smiling at each other and saying "We made this little one. This little one is ours." He wants the whole package of decorating the nursery and buying cute animal onesies. Jinyoung wants it all, so does Jaebeom.

Jinyoung made sure they were on the same page.

It would've killed him if Jaebeom had said that he didn't want children.

So they both sat down, planned out their hectic schedules. Jinyoung had told his manager that he wasn't planning on accepting any new roles or going for any script-readings for the remainder of the year. 

He had told his manager with that barely concealed excitement. It felt amazing to finally tell someone that he trusted that they were trying for a baby. Jaebeom had similarly told his management that he was taking time off after his comeback cycle ended. Jaebeom had charted on the Billboard and had been busy flying to and fro from the States and Korea. He deserved a break.

They finally had time to themselves and the very night after a candle-lit dinner, Jinyoung flushed his contraceptives down the toilet. Jinyoung remembers Jaebeom's cupping of his cheek and the odd Eskimo kiss that Jaebeom was fond of doing. They made love so tenderly that night and Jinyoung remembers thinking that - this is it. They had all the time they needed to make their wish of a family happen. 

Sadly. It didn't. Jinyoung was naive and foolish to think that it was just that easy.

Jinyoung vaguely remembers being cuddled up against Jaebeom, with the other nosing his ear and his large palm resting against his naked hip. Jaebeom had trailed his fingertips on the edge of Jinyoung's abdomen and Jinyoung distinctly remembers placing a hand on Jaebeom's in a silent promise.

  
He shouldn't have made a promise that he couldn't keep.

The months that followed after that, had undoubtedly put a strain on their relationship. Jinyoung was plagued by dreams of being swollen with Jaebeom's baby, with the other smiling softly and gently caressing his swollen belly.

With every negative pregnancy test, Jinyoung withdrew further and further into himself - leaving Jaebeom helpless and frustrated as his life partner began to distance himself from him. 

Logically, Jinyoung knew that it was harder for male omegas to conceive.

He knew this.

Everyone who went through sexual education in school knew this.

It was statistically proven that male omegas had a harder time conceiving but Jinyoung was so sure he wouldn't be one of those unlucky ones who had fertility trouble. 

For the first few pregnancy tests, Jinyoung clutches Jaebeom as the other holds him close. He remembers waiting with bated breath as the timer on his phone ticks down to zero. The first few negative tests, Jinyoung remembers smiling ruefully at Jaebeom as the other smothers him with kisses and reassures him that they still have time.

The next few tests were taken long after Jaebeom had gone to sleep, worn out from pumping rounds and rounds of come into Jinyoung. Jinyoung remembers one night where his legs felt like jelly, and his body boneless. Yet he still dragged himself to the bathroom to pee on that damn stick. This time, he doesn't bother pacing, doesn't bother setting a timer. He just sits on the edge of the bathtub, with the bathroom door shut only letting out a sliver of light to avoid waking Jaebeom up.

When he finally countdowns from ninety to zero, he gets up and flips over the stick and he lets out a defeated chuckle as his eyes fill with tears when he sees the cursed blue line. He was so goddamn sick and tired of seeing that cursed blue line. This was the final one. No more. He couldn't keep doing this to himself or Jaebeom. It was the last time Jinyoung was going to give Jaebeom false hope, he couldn't keep telling the other that all he's been getting are negative tests. 

It was the final time that Jinyoung was going to cry over a stupid blue line. He remembers sliding his back against their bathroom door, with his hands pressed tightly over his mouth as he tried to muffle the sobs. His body shook as the tears kept falling, as the thought of being a failure echoed like a broken record in his mind. 

For a while, Jinyoung really did feel like he was a failure.

Jaebeom couldn't keep pushing back his next album release and neither could Jinyoung's manager ward off directors forever. So Jinyoung tried harder and Jaebeom noticed.

  
So when Jinyoung clambers over Jaebeom and starts to unbutton his shirt while pressing kisses along Jaebeom's collarbones. Jaebeom gently cups Jinyoung's cheeks with both hands and whispers a quiet:

"Nyoung-ah. We don't have to do this now. We've only just started trying, it's okay. We're okay without a baby. We have each other. It'll happen when it happens."

Jinyoung pauses, fingers stilling in his actions before looking up at Jaebeom and that's when his lip wobbles.

His entire being falls like a house of cards being blown by a gust of wind, and in the beginning, he tries to muffle his sobs against Jaebeom's clothed chest. The other carding a hand through Jinyoung's hair and that soothing, gentle tenderness feels like something Jinyoung doesn't deserve.

So that tsunami of guilt, and bottled up frustration and disappointment starts to crack his glass bottle of composure. 

The anguish bubbles up in his throat and he lets out a heartbreaking sob that causes Jaebeom to hug him tighter, as the other buries his face into Jinyoung's hair. Jinyoung doesn't know how long he spends, clutching Jaebeom's shirt and crying but he knows that the other is crying too when Jaebeom takes in a shaky breath and Jinyoung's hair is damper than it was before he climbed into bed.

It's that night that Jinyoung realises that he'd been gradually pushing Jaebeom away and whenever they had sex, Jinyoung had insisted on Jaebeom knotting him and coming inside him. He remembers snapping at Jaebeom for pulling out once when the other thought that Jinyoung's ass was way too sore to take his knot. Never once did Jaebeom rebuke Jinyoung or retaliate.

Jinyoung remembers hating how Jaebeom took every single one of his outbursts with patience and tenderness, where Jaebeom would apologise and treat him like he was worth so much that Jinyoung thought he wasn't. He didn't deserve Jaebeom as his husband and mate and that only caused him to cry harder.

With his tear-stained and blotchy face, Jinyoung clumsily wipes the snot off his face and gives Jaebeom a wobbly smile which the other reciprocates with tears in his eyes as he wipes them away with the back of his hand. Jinyoung leans towards Jaebeom and gently shuts his eyes and rubs his nose against Jaebeom, the other letting out a chuckle before tilting Jinyoung's chin and slotting their lips together.

"I love you Jaebeom-ah."

Jinyoung whispers in response once their lips part before he leans his forehead against Jaebeom's.

"I love you too Jinyoung-ah."

Jinyoung can't say that the longing dissipated after that tender and extremely emotional outburst which followed up with a serious discussion about putting their plans to try for a child on hold. He was reminded of that empty hole in his heart whenever he had to work with child actors on set. In addition to that, there was the inevitably compliments he'd receive of being good with children that came from enamoured staff.

He knows that Jaebeom feels the same way whenever he's on reality shows that have him playing with children or running after them to take care of them. 

It hurts. Jinyoung doesn't know when it'll stop.

Whenever those episodes air and they happen to be at home at the same time, Jaebeom always flicks to a different channel and they both pretend that their social media accounts don't exist for a few days after either one of them are shown to be interacting with children on television. Jinyoung made the decision of looking up NAVER searches for one of the dramas where he played a paediatrician.

That acute hollowness that came after watching clips, in his chest had left him gasping for breath due to the onslaught of sheer utter longing.

He remembers Jaebeom returning home that evening, to see him curled up in a ball in the middle of their bed - with his dinner left untouched and cold on the dining table. He still remembers the crack in Jaebeom's voice as he calls out to Jinyoung.

"Jinyoung baby, please don't do this." The _not again_ left unspoken but hanging over them like a looming rain cloud and this time Jinyoung knew better than to push Jaebeom away. So Jinyoung uncurls himself and lays spread eagle like a starfish, with Jaebeom taking the initiative to climb over him and slot himself against Jinyoung's embrace like two puzzle pieces of a whole.

"Hyung, when will this empty feeling go away? I don't want to keep looking at babies and just be crippled with the feeling of not having one." Jinyoung admits quietly as his voices cracks and he winces at how wrecked he sounds.

"I don't know Jinyoungie but…."

Jaebeom answers after a rather long pause and Jinyoung inhales shakily, the hand that was carding through Jaebeom's lock stills as he waits for Jaebeom to complete his sentence.

"I'll be here for you as long as it takes for that pain to fade and even longer. For better or for worse, in sickness and in health. I'll be here." 

Jaebeom whispers before interlacing his fingers with Jinyoung's. He presses a kiss to the back of Jinyoung's palm and to his ring finger, which is adorned with a silver diamond-studded ring that is engraved with the promise of forever. 

Things do, however, get slightly easier when they both get busier. The thought of the fiasco of trying for a baby and failing was no longer at the forefront of their minds. 

With time, things start going on their course of being back to normal. The times spent in bed are a lot more tender, less hurried. Jinyoung knows that Jaebeom wouldn't ever admit it to his face however, he knows that the other is glad that they've started doing more oral. Now that the unspoken pressure of Jaebeom having to knot Jinyoung every time they had sex is alleviated from Jaebeom's shoulders.

That's not to say that Jaebeom doesn't knot Jinyoung, it's just not always his ass. 

The only change is that Jinyoung had started taking his suppressants again and Jaebeom hadn't mentioned it. The notion that suppressants were only temporary.

They both knew that it was inevitable that Jinyoung would either run out of them or his body needed to go through a heat cycle to prevent irreparable damage to his reproductive organs.

They'd gone through many unprotected heat cycles and ruts in their baby-fever and Jinyoung didn't think this slip-up would result in anything out of the ordinary. After all, they weren't purposefully trying to get him knocked-up.

It didn't mean that they were prepared for it and the fact that it catches both of them off guard doesn't help. Jaebeom greets Jinyoung at the door and his nostrils flare at the scent of Jinyoung in heat, with him being aware that the other is smelling so fertile and his instincts are roaring at him to mount and breed his mate.

They hadn't seen each other in a week, surviving on face-times and text messages. So when Jinyoung gives Jaebeom a tired smile and tilts his head, exposing his neck - Jaebeom doesn't hesitate before burying his nose into Jinyoung's neck. It elicits a soft moan from the other as Jinyoung clicks the lock to their front door shut, with the electronic lock clicking into place.

"I missed you," Jaebeom says before pressing kisses along Jinyoung's jawline with Jinyoung immediately relaxing in Jaebeom's hold. The tension in his abdomen receding as he yanks on the Jabeom's long locks which the elder is keeping for his comeback concept. 

"You're never cutting your hair, as long as I'm around. No buts." Jinyoung utters breathlessly as Jaebeom continues to trail bites along Jinyoung's collarbones with intermittent kisses pressed along his throat.

"Or what Jinyoungie?" Jaebeom replies before hoisting Jinyoung up by the back of his thighs and the other gasps sharply before hooking his legs around Jaebeom's hips. Jaebeom doesn't even allow Jinyoung to formulate a coherent response before he deftly starts unbuttoning Jinyoung's jeans. Just as he is about to roughly rip Jinyoung's sweater off him, Jinyoung stops him.

"H..Hah okay hold on. Let me remove this properly, if not stylist-noona is going to have my head. She's already mad enough that you ripped my blue cardigan." 

Jaebeom doesn't appear to hear Jinyoung as he continues to palm at Jinyoung's obvious erection meanwhile Jinyoung whines and tries to stop Jaebeom by grasping the other's wrist.

"Hyung! You're supposed to be helping me and not making this harder!" Jinyoung says with a pout followed by a loud moan as Jaebeom slides a hand into Jinyoung's boxers and gives his length a firm squeeze.

"You're hard enough Jinyoung-ah, you don't need my help."

"You're h..hah insufferable Im Jaebeom."

Somehow Jinyoung manages to shed his airport outfit, carefully put together by his stylist by the door in a heap. Jaebeom knows that there's not the way to treat what is most definitely branded articles of clothing. Though Jaebeom's pretty sure that Jinyoung's jeans will never see the light of day again - given that it's damp with the other's slick. 

They manage to stumble their way to their couch, which Jaebeom was reclining on before Jinyoung arrived back home. Jaebeom tugs Jinyoung into his lap and roughly kisses the other, and Jinyoung melts happily into the kiss. Jinyoung bites at Jaebeom's lip and clutches the other's shoulders in response to Jaebeom palming Jinyoung's ass through his slick-soaked boxers.

They kiss as if they're starved, only parting to greedily gulp in molecules of oxygen before diving back in for more. It doesn't take long for Jinyoung to rock his hips forward. The hard length of his cock sliding alongside Jaebeom's bulge through the fabric of his boxers before smearing precome on Jaebeom's sweatshirt. With the tip of Jinyoung's rosy red cock peeking out from his tight boxer briefs.

Jaebeom moans lowly as he manhandles Jinyoung before tugging the other's boxers to his ankles. Jinyoung doesn't bat an eye before kicking them to the side - most likely leaving wet traces of slick on their wooden floors. With that, it exposes Jinyoung's bottom to Jaebeom's greedy gaze. Jaebeom can't help but let out an appreciative hum at the plushness of Jinyoung's ass. It's no wonder why Jinyoung is always fitted with such tight-fitting bottoms for press conferences and red carpet events.

Slick drips down Jinyoung's inner thighs as the younger is sat with his legs parted on Jaebeom's lap. Jinyoung's back is arched beautifully with his hands pressed to Jaebeom's chest as if preening for his attention. 

If Jinyoung wants his attention, he's getting it.

What Jinyoung wants. Jinyoung gets.

"God, you're beautiful," Jaebeom mutters before tilting Jinyoung's chin towards him and giving the younger a long, deep kiss. He swallows Jinyoung's moans as the other continues to rut against him smearing his precome on Jaebeom's sweatshirt.

"On your knees Jinyoung," Jaebeom says firmly when their lips part. He watches as the command clicks in Jinyoung's lust addled mind as he clambers off Jaebeom's lap with the other keeping a firm grip on his wrist to steady him. Jaebeom takes a cushion from the couch and places it on the wooden floor for Jinyoung to kneel on.

Jinyoung kneels without hesitation and Jaebeom knows that if it gets too much, Jinyoung could easily safeword and they can deal with his heat conventionally. The way they're doing this now, Jaebeom can maintain a semblance of control and keep his breeding instincts at bay by the assertion of his dominance.

They may be doing better. However, Jaebeom isn't eager to throw Jinyoung back into the breeding headspace, kink or no kink. This wasn't about any potential babies. It was just about providing pleasure and sating the fever that was ravaging Jinyoung's system.

"H..Hyung please touch me," Jinyoung mutters breathlessly. He rests his cheek on the couch as he widens his legs invitingly, before using his hands to spread his cheeks - exposing the glistening hole where a fresh wave of slick hits Jaebeom's sense. Jaebeom hums and adheres to his mate's request as he runs the pad of his thumb down the line of Jinyoung's spine.

He feels the ridge of ever vertebra under Jinyoung's smooth skin, stroking the younger's shaking back until he reaches the swell of Jinyoung's ass. He replaces his thumb with his index finger and he goes further and further until his fingertips tip between Jinyoung's ass cheeks.

This pulls out a shaky moan from the other as Jinyoung desperately pulls his cheeks wider with his hands and Jaebeom clicks his tongue before using his other hand to grab Jinyoung's belt which was tossed on the arm of the couch while slipping his other index finger past Jinyoung's pink rim which is glistening with slick. Jaebeom hums appreciatively at Jinyoung's pleased moans of 'more' as he pumps his index finger in and out of his hole. Jaebeom watches raptly as his thick digits slip into Jinyoung's ass - feeling the tight squeeze of the ring of muscle around it.

Jaebeom notices that Jinyoung is shaking and he leans forward, with his lips brushing Jinyoung's ear before whispering.

"Hands behind your back baby."

Like a puppet on a string, Jinyoung complies. His ass slaps together with a wet smack due to the copious volume of slick between his cheeks. Jaebeom's length involuntarily thickens as it starts to get awfully tight in his joggers. With deft movements, Jaebeom has tied Jinyoung's wrists behind his back and just like that - Jinyoung is at his complete mercy.

"Hyung I really need you in me. Please hyung. I'm aching and dripping." Jinyoung mutters breathlessly as he fidgets and pushes his hips upwards, begging for Jaebeom to fuck him. Jaebeom presses a kiss to the base of Jinyoung's spine before taking a step backwards and freeing his cock from the confines of his joggers.

Jaebeom takes himself in his palm and he hisses at how hard he is, before positioning it at Jinyoung's entrance and pushes in. Jinyoung whimpers as Jaebeom's cock presses so thickly and deeply against his walls and insides. Despite the numerous heats and times, they've made love it always takes his breath away - every single time. Jaebeom lets a low grown as he bottoms out, and his entire throbbing length is being greedily swallowed by Jinyoung's tight ring of muscle.

Still, Jinyoung being the impatient brat he is. Isn't content with feeling Jaebeom stretch his insides as he clumsily raises his hips before thrusting back down. Jaebeom hisses at that unexpected movement before he yanks on Jinyoung's bound wrists, causing Jinyoung's body to arch in a cat stretch.

"You're insatiable you know." He growls out before pulling out and slamming back into Jinyoung's warm, tight heat. Jinyoung mewls and his moans begin to increase in intensity as Jaebeom continues to slam his dick into him. Jaebeom uses his knee to further part Jinyoung's legs and Jinyoung is left helpless as Jaebeom's palms slide up his chest and pinch his nipples. 

The dual stimulation and the feeling of Jaebeom's coarse curls at the base of his dick grinding against Jinyoung's ass, soaking them in slick are enough to make Jinyoung sob.

"F..Fuck. I'm so close Jaebeom." Jinyoung pants out as Jaebeom pounds into him. It's then that Jaebeom pulls out and it leaves Jinyoung with a case of whiplash as his climax recedes and he's left feeling empty and as a result, he lets out a miserable whine which Jaebeom shushes immediately before carefully guiding Jinyoung upright.

Jinyoung is debauched, his eyes glassy with unshed tears and his lip bitten rosy-pink with his wrists still tied behind his back. It really is a sight to behold as Jaebeom settles him back on his lap facing towards him. Jaebeom uses a hand to wipe away Jinyoung's stray tears as the other pouts at him while Jinyoung's cock is wet and throbbing with droplets of precome.

Jaebeom then uses both hands to lift Jinyoung and then slowly, achingly, slides him back down the full length of his cock. Jinyoung's lips part in a silent moan and a soft groan does escape his lips before his eyelids flutter shut when Jaebeom finally bottoms out. The new angle causing Jaebeom to hammer right into his prostate.

It doesn't take long for Jinyoung to find his rhythm as he ruts back and forth on Jaebeom's cock. It's unhurried, leisure and intimate. Jaebeom relishes in Jinyoung's inability to be handsy to leave angry bruises with his mouth on any area of Jinyoung's exposed skin. He's thankful that Jinyoung isn't due for another public appearance for the next two weeks. 

Jinyoung moans when Jaebeom's stubble rubs against the sensitive area of his nape, causing beard burn. He increases his pace before he finally pleads with Jaebeom to fuck him harder. The elder simply grins and does as he's told and rams into Jinyoung, with the younger's eyelids flying open. 

Jaebeom knows that Jinyoung is close with how Jinyoung's moans are beginning to escalate in volume and the younger is clenching tighter around him so he thumbs at Jinyoung's slit, pulling the slippery beads of pre-come down Jinyoung's length and wetting it, slicking it up to smooth his strokes. Jinyoung mewls and arches into Jaebeom's tight grip, his mewls turning into hiccups as Jaebeom continues to flick his thumb back over the head, over and over until Jinyoung trembles and lets out a low, broken moan. 

Jinyoung falls forward into Jaebeom's chest as he buries his face into Jaebeom's neck, licking and biting and sucking at any exposed skin that he can find while Jaebeom drives into him with fierce determination.

"Knot me, Jaebeom." Jinyoung whines, dropping his hips as Jaebeom lifts his.

"I really want it. I need it. I need you." Jinyoung adds brokenly, voice cracking and Jaebeom knows that in a few moments, Jinyoung will start crying.

"You always have me Jinyoungie. Now and forever." Jaebeom answers resolutely, before pressing a kiss to Jinyoung's lips and swallowing his moan as he feels the rapid swelling of his knot. He holds Jinyoung's hips in place as he pushes up into the other's warm hole.

They are locked together and that notion of finality elicits a full-body shudder and deep moan from Jinyoung. Jinyoung slumps against him and pants against Jaebeom's clothed shoulder, as he comes. WIth Jinyoung's hips jerking through the tremors, it takes a few moments for Jaebeom to get his scrambled thoughts together before he shakily undoes the belt binding Jinyoung's wrists.

He gently rubs at Jinyoung's wrists to encourage blood circulation as Jinyoung takes in deep breaths to regulate his breathing. Jaebeom gently strokes Jinyoung's length as the other shudders through his orgasm, pulling out deep moans from the younger as he twitches through the aftershocks of his orgasm.

It takes a long while for Jinyoung to resurface and when he does, he tilts Jaebeom's head towards him and gives the older a long, deep kiss.

"Thank you for loving me hyung."

"It's my privilege to do so Jinyoungie."

Things go back to what seems as normal after that weekend of Jinyoung's first heat after the whole baby-fever debacle. They're back to their hectic schedules of avoiding paparazzi and ducking in and out of their apartment at odd hours of the night. 

It doesn't surprise Jaebeom that Jinyoung is a lot more tired than usual, especially not with the upcoming season of drama awards coupled with Jinyoung's own red carpet movie premiere events. It doesn't help that Jinyoung is stubborn enough to make sure that Jaebeom puts him down as his plus one for all the music award shows Jaebeom is nominated for. Jinyoung had always notoriously been stubborn and Jaebeom doesn't love the younger any less - mulish stubbornness or not.

So he does his fair share in pampering the other, making sure that he packs Jinyoung lunch when he has the time and on certain days, Jaebeom shows up to set which gives all the staff members a mini-heart attack when they see the famous Im Jaebeom. 

Inevitably, this makes the waves in the media and Jaebeom is sure that if Jinyoung wasn't as stretched thin as he was, he would have a few choice words to say to certain news outlets about how their headlines were phrased.

Pictures of Jinyoung sleeping on Jaebeom's shoulder backstage at the music awards in which the younger was the MC of went viral, including many other quiet, tender moments that did a good job of capturing how deeply in love they were but yet Jaebeom could only quietly notice how exhausted Jinyoung was.

The younger had taken a large majority of the previous year off and the workload was coming to bite him in the ass, he was booked back to back for commercials, dramas, movies - you name it. Jaebeom was worried for the younger but he knew that Jinyoung could handle himself and he wasn't about to be that overbearing alpha who dictated what Jinyoung's limits were.

Jinyoung himself knew that there was something off about him, he was a lot more tired, hormonal and on certain days he wakes up with that feeling like his lungs was on fire. Yet, he's too busy to really put any weight to those observations. It was too inconvenient to think too much about his health, as long as he felt fine enough to go to work - he would carry on like everything's normal.

Jinyoung remembers the period when he felt so unwell due to that intense burning in his lungs that made him feel like his lungs were about to collapse. He now knows that it was heartburn, a very intense case of heartburn. Though It faded after a few days Jinyoung still suspected he had contracted some viral lung disease so he abstained from the celebratory drinks after winning his fourth daesang. 

Jaebeom had been glued to his side for most of the events and after-parties, with him being the crutch that Jinyoung could rely on when he really couldn't take it anymore and wanted to go home and lie down. 

The last straw was when Jinyoung snapped at Youngjae on set, and Jinyoung never did that. Never ever. Especially not at Youngjae. He always respected all the directors he worked with and his outburst clearly stunned everyone on set that day. So when shooting wrapped for the day, he enters Youngjae's trailer and gives the director a warm hug.

  
Oddly enough, Jinyoung then starts crying. It's crazy. His mood swings were as volatile as oil prices during an economic downturn.

It shocks Youngjae as well who separated from Jinyoung and looks at him with barely concealed bewilderment.

"Jinyoung-hyung are you okay? Do you need me to call Jaebeom-hyung or your manager for you?" Youngjae asks worriedly, panic seeping into his voice as Jinyoung sniffles and laughs at his outburst, wondering if there was indeed something wrong with him.

Youngjae makes sure that Jinyoung settles on the couch and gives him a bottle of water to sip on before he calls Jinyoung's manager and Jaebeom. It doesn't take long for Jaebeom to show up at the set and make a bee-line towards Jinyoung.

It's insane how vulnerable Jinyoung feels until Jaebeom embraces him and somehow Jinyoung ends up crying? He knows he's overly emotional and maybe he could chalk it up to the rather emotional scene he filmed earlier and Youngjae would possibly believe him but it made no sense for him to be crying when Jaebeom was hugging him.

Jaebeom silently wipes away Jinyoung's tears before he sheds his hoodie and pulls it over Jinyoung's set outfit. Knowing that Youngjae wouldn't mind that Jinyoung takes the outfit home as long as it's not spotted by the paparazzi. They were both in this industry for so long that Jaebeom knew the ins and outs of it.

Jaebeom's hoodie swallows Jinyoung's slightly smaller frame before he pulls the hood over Jinyoung's head. They dodge their way past flashing cameras and bundle into Jaebeom's manager's van. Jinyoung's van was probably swarmed with paparazzi, hoping to get a glance at the star - given that Jinyoung's last public appearance was more than a week ago.

Jinyoung curls up against Jaebeom on the way home. Jaebeom cards his hand through Jinyoung's locks despite all the product in it and tries his best to soothe him. It's then that Jaebeom's phone pings with a message from Youngjae that informs him that Jinyoung's filming would be rescheduled to give him time to recuperate. Jaebeom has never been more thankful for Choi Youngjae, other than him being the reason that he's together with Jinyoung.

When Jaebeom's driver stops at their apartment complex entrance, Jaebeom's manager turns around in the front seat and passes Jaebeom a plastic bag from what Jinyoung thinks is from a convenience store. 

"Take care of Jinyoung-ah, Jaebeom-ah. I'll inform the producer-nims that you'll reschedule recording to another day. I'll call you to work out the scheduling for your photoshoots and fan meetings as well. Don't worry about work."

Jaebeom gives his manager a grateful smile before the other directs a concerned gaze to Jinyoung who gives what he hopes is a smile to Jaebeom's manager. Jinyoung knows that he isn't fooling anyone and he can tell it doesn't do the job of convincing Jaebeom's manager that he's alright.

"Take care of yourself Jinyoung-ah."

Jaebeom and Jinyoung make their way into their apartment in silence, with Jaebeom placing a hand on the back of his back. Jaebeom gestures for Jinyoung to sit on the couch while the other grabs Jinyoung a glass of water before the elder takes the bag and kneels in front of Jinyoung.

"Nyoungie, I think you should take this. Before you say anything, I know we weren't trying very hard or at all actually but I think you might be pregnant, baby."

Jinyoung's gaze shoots up to meet Jaebeom's and he doesn't see any hesitance, confusion or even a hint of a joke. He knows that Jaebeom is serious and if Jinyoung had any energy left, he would have probably thrown a fit at Jaebeom for even suggesting something so preposterous.

It would explain a lot about how he was feeling.

"You sure?" Jinyoung asks softly, fiddling with the pregnancy test in his hands. Jaebeom simply offers him a reassuring smile and presses a kiss to Jinyoung's knuckles.

"I'm pretty sure, there's no other way to be sure if you don't check right?"

Jinyoung bites his lip but walks to the bathroom and Jaebeom trails after him, however, the older hovers at the entrance of the bathroom as if unsure if he was allowed to enter or not. Jinyoung lets out a chuckle that alleviates the growing anxiety that is snowballing in his stomach, as he yanks Jaebeom into the bathroom with him.

They repeat this exact same cycle, in the exact same spot maybe more than half a year ago and that feeling of anxiety and the low thrum of excitement should be something Jinyoung is used to by now but he can't help but jump when the timer on his phone goes off. Even Jaebeom seems a little rattled and nervous as they both approach the test and they share this look before Jaebeom makes the decision to flip the test over.

It's two pink lines and somehow looking at it, it doesn't dawn on Jinyoung or Jaebeom. Both of them are stunned and it feels somewhat surreal and Jinyoung chooses to break the silence by asking Jaebeom to bring the rest of the bag.

So ten pregnancy tests later, and a tension-filled hour later. Jaebeom and Jinyoung were surrounded by eleven strong positive pregnancy tests and it's only then that reality sets in. Jaebeom looks at Jinyoung with that look of strange wonder in his eyes and Jinyoung notices that the other's eyes are glistening with tears, and his own vision is getting blurry.

It's then that Jaebeom presses a warm palm on Jinyoung's bare stomach, as the other sneaks his palm under his hoodie that Jinyoung is wearing and the costume from the filming site. There's a pregnant pause and the air between them is thick with unspoken words and a growing buzz of excitement.

"We're going to be parents Jinyoungie." 

That's when the waterworks start and Jinyoung starts crying for real before Jaebeom pulls him into his arms and starts pressing kisses against his temple.

"You're perfect Park Jinyoung. You're a miracle."

That causes Jinyoung to chuckle and then he's laughing now, and crying. It just sounds like a mix between both and it cracks Jaebeom up as well as he leans his forehead against Jinyoung's and is rewarded with Jinyoung's signature eye-whisker smile.

"I'm pretty sure it's your sperm that's the magical one. It takes two to make a baby Jaebeommie."

"Don't be a brat, you know what I mean."

Jinyoung laughs earnestly then and he rubs his nose against Jaebeom's and the other cheekily tries biting Jinyoung's nose before they end up kissing in their bathroom, surrounded by sticks that Jinyoung had peed on. 

"I'm not touching those sticks by the way Jinyoungie."

"Why not? You've licked my come Jaebeom."

"It's pee! It's different."

Jinyoung notices that Jaebeom can't stop grinning. Throughout the rest of the day, Jinyoung finds that Jaebeom's gaze is always drawn to his stomach and even though Jinyoung's stomach is still flat - Jaebeom strokes the skin reverently. They spend their evening before bed watching re-runs of one of Jinyoung's drama that happened to be airing on television, with Jaebeom's head pillowed on Jinyoung's lap.

Jaebeom starts talking to Jinyoung's stomach and Jinyoung should find it utterly ridiculous because the baby could barely be a month old and he tells Jaebeom as such but the elder simply pouts and tells Jinyoung to stop ruining his fun. Jinyoung simply laughs, as he lifts a hand and tunnels his fingers through Jaebeom's hair, eyes soft and glowing with fondness.

The night before they go to bed, Jinyoung turns to Jaebeom and kisses the other sweetly on the lips before whispering "I love you so goddamn much.". It was an uncontested fact and a reality that both of them wouldn't dream of questioning, both too buoyed up on happiness that they were starting a family.

The next day, Jaebeom declares that he's off work for the next week. They visit the OBGYN who used to be Jinyoung's high-school classmate - Mark Tuan. They had to conceal themselves carefully with shades and caps and all. The last thing they needed was the media outlets to find out that Korea's 'it' couple was expecting a child.

Jinyoung would blow an aneurysm if the media found out about his pregnancy before his very own family did. Jinyoung trusted Mark enough to not get the other to sign a non-disclosure agreement, and Jinyoung and Jaebeom entered the clinic by the back door and they were greeted by Mark who confirmed that Jinyoung was really pregnant.

There was a strange sense of calm that washed over Jinyoung and Jaebeom then, that the pregnancy was medically confirmed. The foetus was fine and Jinyoung's pregnancy didn't have any risks or foreseeable complications, but something still kept them from telling people outside of their immediate family.

The subsequent medical check-ups served as continual reassurance that this wasn't just a fever dreamed, dreamt up by either one of them. It was real and it was as real as it could get. Jinyoung was hit with a bout of morning sickness that was hard to explain to directors and he was getting more fatigued as time went on.

It was hard to keep this amazing secret to themselves when Jinyoung was really bursting at the seams to tell everyone and anyone who would listen that he and Jaebeom were going to have a baby. Their baby. Still, Jinyoung had that inkling that he shouldn't and couldn't tell anyone until people started figuring it out themselves.

He didn't want to be the one to somehow jinx the pregnancy and he'd told Jaebeom as such and the other stood by Jinyoung as long as Jinyoung knew that he couldn't work till 3 am in the morning anymore and survive on granola bars and yoghurt for the day. It was hard to hide such a piece of big and important news from his co-workers and bosses but Jinyoung didn't want this to get out.

He didn't want his baby to be the subject of gossip magazines before he or she was even born.

However, with his secret being kept tightly under wraps - he couldn't rely on his manager to ferry him to appointments and neither could Jaebeom as they knew that if their managers found out. They'd have to make a public statement and Jinyoung wasn't ready for that, even though his pregnancy was somewhat visually obvious by the time he hit the second month.

His stylists knew better than to question his weight gain or his blatant refusal to wear form-fitting outfits. The more flowy and loose the fabric he was wearing, the better. His moods were horrible as well, he would be cranky and bloated. Sometimes the snide-comments about his weight or his less than vibrant smile would result in Jinyoung bottling up that aggression and taking it out on Jaebeom when he gets home.

It's miserable. Yet Jinyoung was stubborn and more than willing to toughen it out if it meant that his baby was safe.

Jinyoung remembers breaking down into tears once, apologising repeatedly to Jaebeom for snapping at him when all the other simply wanted to do was to check-in on him. Jinyoung found it so ridiculously hard to be pregnant and to pretend that he wasn't. He had to lie through his teeth to directors and fake injuries that he didn't have to get out of acting certain action scenes. It was crazy. 

Not even his managers knew.

Jaebeom had sat him down and talked to him about how it was possible to get legal protection and prevent news about their pregnancy from being leaked to the media. Jaebeom knew lawyers that could get it done for them. However, to Jinyoung that was so much more complicated than simply keeping it under wraps until the physical evidence was undeniable.

Though looking back, Jinyoung can confidently point out if you asked him when he was pregnant. He went to a few red-carpet events when he was pregnant, with Jaebeom dutifully by his side, attempting to block side shots of his middle section. The magazines and media had reported about Jinyoung's change in fashion sense, moving from tailored form-fitting suits to loose-fitting ones in attempts to revolutionise a new style.

Jaebeom had initially found those reports amusing and alike the caffeine restriction, he decided to join Jinyoung in solidarity in adopting the loose, baggy style. Which Jinyoung has to admit looks better on Jaebeom than it does on him. 

The day before his next scheduled appointment with Mark, Jinyoung is in bed with Jaebeom, the other tracing circles on Jinyoung's small bump. In a spur of a moment decision, Jinyoung scrolls through his Instagram account. He'd posted pictures with Jaebeom and posted pictures with Youngjae - who knows that Jinyoung's pregnant and not just letting loose with his food intake.

He scrolls through the comments and notices some that assert:

> "Oh, he's pregnant. Look at him! He has a baby bump!"
> 
>   
>  "There's no way he's not pregnant, look at how Jaebeom keeps touching his stomach!"
> 
>   
>  "Jinyoung-Oppa when are you and Jaebeom-Oppa planning on having a baby?"

Jinyoung then turns to his side and leans on Jaebeom's shoulder, with the other letting out a soft hum in response to Jinyoung's soft "Jaebeommie."

"I think we should tell them tomorrow, after my radio recording and the check-up."

It's then that Jinyoung catches Jaebeom's attention.

"Are you sure Jinyoungie?" Jaebeom asks as he strokes Jinyoung's small baby bump. Jinyoung hums in affirmation before leaning up and kissing Jaebeom on the lips.

"We'll post on social media together after I get back from the doctor's okay?"

"I'm sorry you have to go alone tomorrow, I tried to reschedule the photoshoot but the photographer is on a tight schedule. I'm sorry baby." Jaebeom says apologetically before giving Jinyoung a deeper and longer kiss in attempts to make up for him missing a regular check-up scan.

"Don't worry about it hyung. You were there for the 8th week's ultra-scan. We heard the heartbeat together. Mark-hyung told me that tomorrow is just going to be a regular scan. It's okay if you miss it."

Jaebeom smiles softly at Jinyoung before slinging an arm over Jinyoung's middle section and pressing a kiss to Jinyoung's forehead.

"Goodnight Jinyoungie, and good night to you too baby."

The next morning, it's as per normal. Jinyoung spends the first half an hour of his morning, puking his guts out at the toilet bowl. While Jaebeom frets about Jinyoung's discomfort in the background and gets Jinyoung a cup of water with a lemon peel in it to wash out the bile. It's routine. Well, as normal as a pregnant person could be during their first trimester.

Jinyoung kisses Jaebeom goodbye before he slides on his shades and cap and makes his way to the clinic. It's his fifth visit now. Jinyoung is used to the routine, just that this time he's without Jaebeom that's all. He enters the clinic and smiles at the nurses who he thinks suspects who he is by now before entering Mark's examination room. 

Things proceed as normally as they do, Jinyoung makes small talk with Mark and winces at the coolness of the gel but it's still normal - routine. Until Mark goes silent for a moment.

"Jinyoung-ah, I'm going to have to do an internal scan okay?"

That's when Jinyoung begins to panic but he doesn't let it show, and he offers a genial smile to Mark but the other doesn't return it as he keeps his gaze locked onto the display. It's then that Mark realises that Jaebeom isn't just late, but he's not coming and that somehow causes his expression to darken further.

Jinyoung didn't have to be an expert to know that something was wrong. Very wrong. 

"Jinyoung-ah, is Jaebeom not with you today?"

"He's not, he's busy with a photoshoot that he can't reschedule. You know how it is, we're so goddamn busy."

Mark doesn't reply Jinyoung as he fiddles around with the machine and Jinyoung knows evasion when he sees it so he takes in a deep breath and closes his eyes before saying.

"What is it, Mark?"

The other sighs softly while turning to Jinyoung. Mark takes Jinyoung's hand in his own and that's when that heavy feeling settles in Jinyoung's stomach. The other takes a deep breath before looking at him in the eye. At this moment, Jinyoung knows what Mark has to say. Truth be told he knows. Yet, he still doesn't want to hear the verbal confirmation.

"Usually, we'll expect to see a heartbeat but unfortunately we don't."

That's when Jinyoung's whole world stops and time feels as if it's frozen. The tick-tock of the clock in Mark's examination room fades out into white noise and the coldness of the examination room and the table he was lying on was magnified by a thousand. His eyes are wide, looking right straight at Mark but not really seeing him. Jinyoung can feel his heart jack-hammering against his ribcage as the words we'll expect to see a heartbeat, but we don't. Repeating over and over again in his head.

He doesn't even notice that his breathing was getting shallower until he choked up and let out this god-awful chuckle. It was a mix between a laugh and a sob and when he starts he just can't stop. He sounds hysterical. 

Jinyoung refuses to believe it, it's ridiculous. It can't be real, but the pain in his heart that ricochets throughout his being is the most piercing emotion he's felt in his life.

Jinyoung can't explain his following actions.but he knows that he gets up and decides to do this god-awful thing of shaking Mark's hand and thanking him for his time. He remembers saying this to Mark and then going to his car and crying about it.

"Oh great! Yes perfect! Thank you so much for your time."

Jinyoung doesn't know whether that reaction was out of sheer embarrassment that he managed to miscarry his baby but his defence mechanisms were activated and he was so unnaturally happy in that god awful situation and looking at Mark's badly concealed pity was enough for Jinyoung to up the ante on his exuberance. 

If it was anyone other than Mark, Jinyoung was sure that he'll be hauled into the mental ward for being happy that he was pregnant with a dead baby. Jinyoung doesn't remember much about the following things that Mark said. It doesn't take long for the other to realise that Jinyoung is not following the conversation. 

"Jinyoung. I'm going to call Jaebeom. Just sit tight."

Jinyoung looks at Mark with that tight, somewhat hysterical smile and he simply replies factually because at that moment his brain tells him that Jaebeom wouldn't be appreciated being disturbed just to know that Jinyoung somehow fucked up and lost their baby.

"Don't bother him. I'll tell him when I get home. I'm going to have to get going because I have to go to a radio recording. Regarding whatever we have to do next, I'll contact you yeah? Okay. Thanks, Mark." Jinyoung rushes out before fleeing from the examination room much to the surprise and shock of Mark who is probably questioning his decision on not calling Jaebeom before Jinyoung ups and leaves.

Jinyoung doesn't even know how he manages to drive because the only thing that is running through his head in that moment is that he killed their baby. It makes no logical sense but that's the only thought that stays in Jinyoung's head for longer than a few seconds. He remembers powering off his phone and leaving it off throughout the entire day. 

He wonders how no one notices how off he is. His energy levels sky-rocket and it's a sharp contrast between the usually reserved Jinyoung and the Jinyoung that's on the radio today. Jinyoung could barely stifle the hysterical laughter when the host reads out the reader assumption of the day which went:

> "Jinyoung-ssi is on the broadcast today to announce his pregnancy. hahaha just imagine!"

It takes every fibre of Jinyoung's being to not plainly breakdown crying and reply with the short but loaded answer of "not anymore I'm not!". The crew and the host in the radio room laugh it off as they do about any other comments about Jinyoung being pregnant.

After all, why would anyone hide such good news?

Jinyoung feels that urge to scream at them that yes, he had found out that he most likely killed his baby - maybe three hours before filming this?

Jinyoung can honestly tell you that he doesn't remember the journey home, and it's odd that the urge to scream at every passerby on the street that he's carrying a dead baby inside of him doesn't diminish to give away to despair but intensifies on the journey home. Jinyoung knows that he's probably not fit to be on the road in his mental state but he arrives home and it's only then that reality crashes down on him.

He doesn't understand how he made the drive to the radio studio. He doesn't understand how the fuck he managed to laugh and smile at the jokes of him being pregnant. Lastly, he doesn't understand why this happened to him or if Jaebeom would ever forgive him.

He's so goddamn thankful that he only has one selfie from that radio show. He can't bear to look at himself from that day, it's as if it's a husk of a person. The bus is moving but there's no one behind the wheel and that would inevitably lead to an accident - which was the silent breakdown that was happening in his car in the fucking parking lot.

Jinyoung doesn't know how long he's been sitting in his car, in the parking lot with his headlights on but it must've been long enough for the security guard to call Jaebeom to let him know that Jinyoung was doing that. 

Jinyoung never understood the feeling of being utterly numb until that day, because all he felt was emptiness. A greedy black hole of emptiness. It was like a supernova happened within him and he was collapsing in on himself because really at that moment, Jinyoung felt that it would be okay if he were to just cease existing.

He remembers snippets of what happened after like a stop-motion film. He remembers Jaebeom tugging him out of the car, maybe yelling at him for not answering his phone or driving in his state or maybe Jaebeom could've been yelling about how incompetent Jinyoung was for not even noticing that he somehow managed to miscarry their child without bleeding. Jinyoung doesn't remember.

It's like a stop motion film. Images captured in isolation and then somehow pieced together to form a linear story-line but lack the ability for intricate details. He remembers being pulled into Jaebeom's embrace and at first, he was as stiff as concrete before Jaebeom's urgent whispers of his name drew him back into himself.

Gradually, he melts into Jaebeom's embrace, his arms limp, hanging like a ragdoll. It's only when Jaebeom hugs him so tight that as if he didn't, Jinyoung would float away from him like a helium balloon. It's only when Jaebeom tucked Jinyoung's head into the crook of his shoulder, did Jinyoung allow himself to sob.

Grief is an odd friend to have. It's that friend that sits in your heart and it's there but somehow your heart just feels empty. It's a blanket of nothingness that envelops your whole being and threatens to smother and kill you slowly from suffocation. It's that heavy feeling on your shoulders that you just can't seem to shake off, and it's a mutual friend that you hate knowing because to understand it - someone you know must be friends with it as well.

Somehow, it's a miracle that no one finds out about it. No one leaks anything to the press but perhaps Jaebeom's manager or Mark thought enough was enough because Jinyoung and Jaebeom are left to themselves for the rest of the week. After all, that doctor's appointment happened on a Monday.

It didn't help that because the foetus was still inside of him, Jinyoung still had morning sickness. His hormones were still out of whack and everything just felt so fucking unfair. He expects Jaebeom to get mad at him, yell at him but really - all they do is cry and watch sad films and cry even more. It's a ridiculous limbo cycle but it's strange to Jinyoung that no one is blaming him but himself. 

When Jinyoung first dares to look at himself in the mirror, he remembers bursting out in tears and demanding that Jaebeom take him to get that thing out of him. He doesn't remember crying more than he did in his whole life than during that dreaded week.

It takes a week for Jinyoung to finally be able to function like a normal human being and to be honest with how he was feeling. No more smiling or excessive sobbing. He signed the consent forms to the surgery to remove the dead embryo. Yet, somehow it still felt like a fever dream despite all that crying.

The first time Jinyoung relates all of this to Jaebeom. The other simply hugs Jinyoung close to him and offers the quiet admission that he was afraid that he was going to lose Jinyoung as well as the baby.

In those two weeks, Jinyoung functioned like a zombie. Jaebeom had to force-feed the younger, if not Jinyoung would just starve. It pained Jaebeom to see Jinyoung the way he was. God was he afraid, Jaebeom wasn't sure he could survive if he lost his mate and his baby.

It's crazy how far his brain travels, in those moments of silence when he's left to his own thoughts his thoughts eat at him. Unable to stew in his own misery. He tells every single one of his dark thoughts to Jaebeom.

His self-blame, his guilt and things he could've done differently and so many goddamn 'maybe's. The hypotheticals swarmed his mind like bees swarming the last available flower in a field of wilting flowers. The only catharsis he had was to tell everything to Jaebeom because he was the only other person who understood.

So they cried and in the months following after, even fought. They fought when Jinyoung said that he wanted to tell people about it. He wanted to provide a support network system for those who needed it. Jaebeom had been so angry because really - haven't they suffered enough?

They fought once more when Jaebeom had planned on getting a vasectomy without consulting Jinyoung because were they really going to give up just like that? But Jinyoung understood, because as the saying goes once bitten, twice shy.

It takes a long while for them to get over the pain and guilt of losing a child that wasn't theirs to keep. It's startling different from hearing it second-hand than experiencing it first-hand yourself.

So when Jinyoung gets the tell-tale signs of fatigue, and the awful morning sickness. He panics. 

He hides in their bathroom and tries not to give in to a panic attack, even though he's the only one home. It'd been maybe a year? He thinks he should be over this by now, and he promised Jaebeom that he would try so what kind of parent was he to wish that he wasn't pregnant so he wouldn't run the risk of hurting so much ever again. Jaebeom had told Jinyoung multiple times that his needs weren't selfish because after all, it was his body. He had every right to be terrified.

Jaebeom finds Jinyoung when he returns home seated on their bed, with three pregnancy tests on a plastic sheet and the tips capped in plastic.

"Baby?" Jaebeom asks gently, crawling over to Jinyoung who doesn't look away from the tests on the bed. Jaebeom doesn't know how to handle this situation because they'd never planned for this but Jinyoung's heat and Jaebeom's rut had synced and Jinyoung had run out of birth control. It was highly unlikely that Jinyoung wasn't pregnant but still they hoped that they would have more time to figure themselves out. 

Jinyoung takes in a deep breath when he makes eye contact with Jaebeom who notices that Jinyoung's eyes are puffy and his lips are chapped from most definitely having been gnawed at.

"Beomie? Whatever happens, we're in this together right?" Jinyoung asks softly, voice wobbling and shaky as he takes multiple gulps of air to ensure that his voice holds steady.

"Of course."

That's when Jinyoung looks at him with that watery, expressive wide eyes of his and that's when Jaebeom knows that if they lost another. There's a chance that he'll really lose Jinyoung too. Was he willing to take the chance? 

Always, as long as Jinyoung was with him. After all, they were too stubborn to bow to the pressure of having a public wedding they refuse to entertain the thought of lighting striking the same place twice.

Every month of Jinyoung's new pregnancy is agony. Jinyoung follows every rule his obstetrician gives him down to the letter. He doesn't want to risk anything. He pulls out of every filming project that doesn't allow him breathing room. Jinyoung doesn't keep it a secret from his management, neither does Jaebeom, not when the entire nation knew what happened the last time they kept it a secret.

At five months, when Jinyoung feels the baby move for the first time. He yells for Jaebeom who in his rush to get to him, almost slips on Jinyoung's pillow fort and brains himself on the coffee table.

Yet even with the joy, fear always makes its reappearance. It sits below the skin and simmers and strikes when you least expect it. The fear of losing everything still gnaws at both at them at night. It was a mutual agreement to refuse to find out the sex of the baby - being too afraid to jinx it.

Everything feels so fragile and temporal that it's only on the 20th of March when Jinyoung goes into labour, does it feel real.

At the end of it all, Im Hyunjin is born on the 20th of March, a healthy, bubbly baby. He's proclaimed to be the cutest baby in the world by his parents on social media. Netizens don't dispute the fact because they'd be fools to do so. The existence of Im Hyunjin silenced the media articles that circulated that Jinyoung and Jaebeom were never planning on having children.

It's a year later that both Jinyoung and Jaebeom are on The Return of Superman. It's also on that show itself, where Jinyoung finds out he's pregnant again. The producers thank their lucky stars that Park Jinyoung saved their plummeting ratings and just like that - Jinyoung and Jaebeom had everything they could've possibly wanted.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As promised to the people on Twitter and the people in the comments, this is a chapter written in Jaebeom's perspective and I've glossed over most of the plot development that happened in the previous chapter. Hopefully, you guys enjoy this and it doesn't read as being too repetitive!

When Jaebeom first met Jinyoung, he was sure the younger would hate his guts. Jaebeom then was an alpha who embraced the media’s stereotype of being a masculine alpha, his comeback concepts were hyper-sexualised and it was everything the media wanted from an alpha. So he really didn’t think he and Jinyoung would ever get along, not when the other refused to allow his biology to dictate any of his life choices for him.

It would’ve been easy for Jinyoung to fall into the media’s expectations of a modern-day Omega, he could’ve taken the easy way out and taken the olive branch that was extended to anyone with the secondary gender of being an Omega. Yet Jinyoung wasn’t okay with following the status quo, and Jaebeom will always love him for that quality of his.

Even when they weren’t acquainted, Jaebom heard of Jinyoung’s dedication and passion for the things he cared about through the grapevine - even if the things he cared about weren’t ‘becoming’ of Omegas.

Jinyoung was one of the first celebrities to speak out about rather contentious issues such as relationships between individuals with the same secondary genders, which did jeopardize his image as the ‘Nation’s First Love.’

It wasn’t surprising to Jaebeom either that Jinyoung wanted to keep their relationship on the down-low, with Jaebeom knowing that Jinyoung treasured his privacy more than anything else in the world. It was with Jinyoung that Jaebeom found a sense of normalcy in the hectic lifestyle that he lived. Jaebeom could date without fearing that his partner wouldn’t be able to handle the media pressure or spotlight. For the first time since he debuted, Jaebeom was given the freedom to love without feeling like his relationship had an invisible expiry date.

Unlike Jaebeom's previous partners - Jaebeom didn’t have to worry about protecting them from the potential of having their lives ruined by the media. Jinyoung was more than capable of protecting himself from the savagery that the media was capable of.

Jaebeom remembers laughing at the ingenious ways Jinyoung avoided the question of being in a relationship during his press conferences, though he never denied having a significant other. They met each other at a rather stable point in their careers, and Jaebeom would forever be thankful for that fact. It was with Jinyoung that he learned to have faith and trust that his success wasn’t fleeting, that the ground he was standing on wasn’t going to disintegrate from beneath his feet.

It was with Jinyoung that Jaebeom really found himself.

They’d both been burned by people who merely wanted the title and fame that came from being in a relationship with them, and they knew the value of keeping something new that was brimming with potential to themselves. They had clandestine meetings in the night at a neighbourhood park, they both have selfies of themselves decked out in all black when they wanted to go on what were dates in the evening. They also had the dates that happened out in daylight, with Jaebeom remembering how high his eyebrows were raised when Jinyoung first suggested it.

They were lounging on the couch in Jaebeom’s apartment on one of the rare days they were both without an evening schedule, with Jinyoung not having an early morning schedule the next day to necessitate sneaking out of Jaebeom’s apartment in the wee hours of the morning. Jaebeom had his head pillowed on Jinyoung’s lap, with the younger threading his fingers through his long floppy hair.

“Jaebeommie hyung.”

Jaebeom offers a soft hum in reply as he turns his head from peering at the television to give Jinyoung his attention. It was a quiet night and Jaebeom was just about to doze off, with Jinyoung’s gentle scalp massages easing the tension from his body.

During the day, he’s JB - the legendary solo artist who clawed his way up from being a mere b-boy on Youtube to the first artist in Korea who went international. In the evenings, he’s simply Jinyoung’s Jaebeom who melts under Jinyoung’s ministrations. It helps that Jinyoung doesn’t need to be impressed by Jaebeom’s body rolls or spins.

So Jaebeom blinks himself awake and he scrunches his nose before peering at Jinyoung. He’s met with a soft expression on Jinyoung’s face which only brightens when he catches Jaebeom looking at him with a scrunched nose and inquisitive expression.

“We’ve been dating for nearly eight months. Correct?”

Confused and still slightly disoriented, Jaebeom simply nods and that causes his hair to fall into his eyes. Before he can even attempt to blow his hair out of his eyes, Jinyoung simply sweeps the long strands to the side and kisses Jaebeom on the forehead.

“God, you’re adorable,” Jinyoung says with a light chuckle and Jaebeom reacts to that statement with a fake rawr before jokingly attempting to bite Jinyoung, the edges of his lips curving up in that fond smile that is only reserved for Jinyoung. This causes Jinyoung to laugh even harder, revealing Jaebeom’s favourite feature of Jinyoung - his eye whiskers. It takes a while for both of them to settle back down, both too busy sneaking kisses but Jaebeom eventually draws Jinyoung back to the topic at hand.

“We’ve technically been dating for thirteen months and fourteen days if you count the first day I met you and took you out on a coffee date to apologise for spilling coffee on you,” Jaebeom says with pride as he awaits Jinyoung’s reaction.

“You’re such a sap. There’s also no way I’m counting that as our first date Im Jaebeom. For the record, I asked you out on our first date because you were too busy thinking about the possibility of me saying no.” Jinyoung retorted with a gentle finger flick to Jaebeom’s forehead. Which Jaebeom - as per usual when it comes to anything Jinyoung does, overreacts and feigns a fatal injury.

“Don’t be such a baby hyung. I was wondering if you’re okay if we stopped hiding.”

It’s then that Jinyoung’s tone takes a serious tone and he begins to fiddle with the hem of his sweater, no longer looking Jaebeom in the eye. That’s when Jaebeom sits up, crossing his legs on the couch and tugging Jinyoung’s wrist away from fiddling with the hem of the sweater that belonged to him but looked so much better on Jinyoung.

“Hey, Jinyoungie. Look at me.”

Jinyoung obliges to Jaebeom’s soft request and when he does peer up at Jaebeom. Jaebeom is met with a vulnerable expression that causes his heart to ache because he knows. He knows. He knows how much it pains Jinyoung to keep their relationship quiet when he’s told Jaebeom multiple times that he wants to walk the red carpet with him, he wants to be able to kiss Jaebeom good luck before his music performances.

Jaebeom wants everything that Jinyoung wants, he wants to be able to show up to Jinyoung’s film set with his favourite food. He wants to be able to flaunt that Jinyoung is his boyfriend on social media, he wants to share how goddamn happy Jinyoung makes him feel. He so desperately wants the world to know that every love song he’s written is dedicated to the one and only Park Jinyoung.

“I love you Park Jinyoung. I’m okay with waiting if you are because at the end of the day nothing else matters to me but you. I don’t care what anyone says because the past eight months have been the happiest eight months of my life and this is only the beginning of our story. Telling the world about it would just share the overwhelming happiness I already experience daily with you.”

Jaebeom utters softly and when Jinyoung’s eyes start to water it’s then that Jaebeom leans towards the other and gently wipes away the tears that glisten on Jinyoung’s cheekbones. Jinyoung then lets out a huff as he wipes his eyes dry with his sleeves before launching himself at Jaebeom and Jaebeom lets out a soft ‘oomph’ as Jinyoung careens into his chest.

Jinyoung then cups Jaebeom’s cheeks and gives the other a tender kiss that encompasses the possibility of a forever sealed by a kiss on the lips. Jaebeom doesn’t want to ask how long Jinyoung had been agonising over that decision, given how worked up the younger is. So he says the next sentence, expecting yet another flick on the forehead.

“Does that mean that I can finally get you to star in my music video?”

“You are not humping me for your next music video Im Jaebeom! Don’t even think about it!”

* * *

So they went on their first public lunch date with their breaths held. Their respective managements had their fingers poised on the sent button of the press release of the announcement of their relationship. They were prepared for the piranhas that the media were to descend on them. They had even brokered a deal with Soompi and their management team was more than ready to respond to the expected uproar.

Yet, no news outlet even had the inkling that they were dating. Instead of wild speculations or crazy purported stories in salacious magazines, Jinyoung and Jaebeom were just lauded for having a close friendship. Jaebeom did admit that they tended to act more like an old married couple than a couple who were all for the handsy public displays of affection. Jaebeom didn’t hover around Jinyoung like typical alphas and neither was Jinyoung awfully dependent on him.

At first glance, you could perhaps mistake them from very close friends who had no problems with personal space. Though the evidence of their romantic relationship became undeniable at the Golden Disc Awards, where Jaebeom had won his first Daesang.

In the spur of the moment, he had turned to Jinyoung who was looking at him with glassy eyes, lips parted to utter his congratulations - and claimed the other’s plush lips with a passionate kiss. Jaebeom only realises his mistake when he hears the gasps that echoed around them.

It’s then that he pulls away from Jinyoung, his cheeks aflame and the other simply cups his face and turns it towards the stage, where Jaebeom’s label senior who was the emcee was looking at him with that fond exasperated look. Jaebeom knows he’ll be teased endlessly for his impulsive decision, but after looking over his shoulder and making eye-contact at a rather flushed and beaming Jinyoung.

Jaebeom knows that even if he was subjected to his hyungs teasing until he was old and grey, it’s worth it for the opportunity to tell the world that Park Jinyoung was his boyfriend.

Jaebeom doesn’t remember much after that, he remembers trying not to trip up the stairs and pull a Jennifer Lawrence at the Oscars and somehow, he manages to eloquently recite his speech that Jinyoung drilled in his head. The one thing that Jaebeom does remember is how good it felt to say the words, ‘ _I couldn't have done this without the support of Jinyoung, my boyfriend.’._

The day after their heated passionate kiss was aired on live television, Jaebeom and Jinyoung’s phones were blowing up more than usual. With countless tags on social media, and messages from acquaintances congratulating them on their relationship. With the amount of attention they were receiving, you’d think they’d just gotten married.

Jaebeom grunts as his phone let out another loud ‘ping’, before burying his face into Jinyoung’s bare shoulder. The younger letting out a deep chuckle, voice still slightly growly from having just been woken up. “If I knew you were going to be this tired, I wouldn’t have been so rough last night,” Jinyoung mutters before pressing a kiss to the top of Jaebeom’s head. Jaebeom doesn’t give Jinyoung a reaction and tightens his hold on Jinyoung and slinging a leg over Jinyoung’s body.

“Mhm, you liked it though,” Jaebeom replies sleepily and Jinyoung lets out an affirmative hum, threading his fingers through Jaebeom’s locks. It doesn’t take long for Jaebeom to be lulled back to sleep by Jinyoung’s soft touches as the other scrolls through his phone with his other hand.

* * *

Jaebeom loves quiet mornings and sleepy morning cuddles with Jinyoung. As much as he likes to be woken up by soft kisses, he much more enjoys waking up and trying to extricate himself from Jinyoung’s hold to make breakfast for the both of them. He loves being the first thing Jinyoung sees as he stumbles out of the bedroom, with his messy bed hair and his glasses while making grabby hands for the cup of coffee that Jinyoung knows Jaebeom has prepared.

Moving in with each other wasn’t decided with any fanfare, it was prompted by Jaebeom getting a new larger apartment with a home studio and a whole lot of space that he didn’t know what to do with. They’d picked out Jaebeom’s new apartment together, and unknowingly Jaebeom had taken Jinyoung’s every opinion into account when designing and deciding on the apartment.

So, when Jaebeom slid Jinyoung the key to the apartment that was now theirs. He was rewarded to Jinyoung’s signature eye-whisker smile and needless to say it led to a rather eventful night in the bedroom, with Jinyoung labelling it as the ‘last sex’ in Jaebeom’s old apartment.

It was ridiculous, but Jaebeom loves every single thing about Jinyoung.

They were known as inseparable in the media and as their relationship progressed and grew to levels that Jaebeom never knew he was capable of loving another human being. So did the expectations of the media. It came to a point in their relationship that every interview, be it for magazines or on the radio. They’d always be asked when they were getting married.

Jaebeom remembers being so ticked off by the same damn question because he was running out of ways to say ‘fuck off’ politely. He had enough of gritting his teeth when he was pushed and prodded for details for what the media labelled as the ‘wedding of the century’. What gave them the right to decide when it was the right time for them to get married?

The last straw was when he returned home after a gruelling day spent in the dance studios to Jinyoung glaring at a box that was filled with wedding magazines and brochures that have been shipped to their apartment as PR. This was the third time in a week that Jinyoung had to call his manager to collect another of these from their apartment because resources about getting married were deemed as ‘personal affairs’ and companies interested in sponsoring elements of a wedding were given their personal address.

It was frustrating, and it was even more-so frustrating for Jinyoung who had to calmly reject every single wedding feature proposal from fashion magazines. Jaebeom luckily, only had to deal with such questions during a comeback cycle and maybe after the one time, he walked into a jewellery store to get one of his many rings resized.

After that debacle, he had decided that online services would become his new best friend.

Jaebeom pauses at the entryway to their apartment eyeing Jinyoung who was on the phone with who Jaebeom guessed was his manager, in a rather heated discussion on trying to get wedding companies to stop sending their chunky, waste of space catalogues to their apartment.

It’s that that Jaebeom makes the split decision of calling his management and getting two weeks off, before calling his mother and asking her to prepare a guest room. Jaebeom makes quick work of preparations, he schedules a caterer, calls for an officiant to be available at his hometown. It’s all done in a matter of hours, and all he needs to do is to pop the question.

It’s later that evening when they are done with dinner and cuddling on the couch that Jaebeom gets on one knee and presents Jinyoung with his grandmother’s ring that he had gotten resized online two weeks ago.

“Park Jinyoung, thank you for being the one who never fails to make me feel butterflies in my stomach like it’s the first time I’ve seen you - every day of our relationship. Will you marry me?”

Jaebeom remembers Jinyoung staring at him, before calmly removing his glasses, placing them beside him and yanking his collar. Their lips crash and the world fell away. It was slow and soft, comforting in ways that words would never be. Jaebeom’s hand rested below Jinyoung’s ear, his thumb caressing his cheek as their breaths mingled.

It’s then that Jaebeom knows he’s found his other half that made him whole.

The world didn’t need to know how much he loved Jinyoung, not when it was as clear as day to the both of them. Their relationship didn’t need to be plastered on glossy magazine covers to attain authenticity, they didn’t need to be headline entertainment news to know that their love was spellbinding and mythical.

Maybe Jaebeom was too enamoured by Jinyoung but he’d like to think that not even the most beautifully crafted sonnet would be able to accurately describe his overwhelming love for Jinyoung. If loving Jinyoung was akin to swimming in the ocean, Jaebeom would rather drown than leave it. He admits that he’s a sap and Jinyoung never fails to remind him of that fact whenever Jaebeom produces and releases a love song.

It’s a week later when Jinyoung and Jaebeom head to Jaebeom’s hometown for their annual celebration of Jaebeom’s grandmother’s birthday that they get married in the Im’s backyard. It’s a quiet affair. They got married surrounded by family and their closest friends, only inviting those who they wanted there. There weren’t any obligatory polite invitations to colleagues or labelmates that they weren’t close to, and whoever was held dear to their hearts were there to witness their happy union.

Jinyoung and Jaebeom couldn’t be happier in their blatant snub of the media industry. Jackson Wang, a close friend of theirs had spent an hour laughing on the phone about how they were metaphorically giving the media a middle finger in the air when Jaebeom had called to invite him to the wedding. So, Jaebeom supposes they should have expected to uproar their “secret” wedding created.

The rings don’t go unnoticed when they both end up wearing matching rings on their ring fingers. It’s then that things get ugly. Jaebeom knows first hand how ugly the media can be, they twist things out of proportion and feed salacious lies into the consumer’s eager mouths. It’s the gossip that spreads like wildfire, and like a wildfire in a forest - it is impossible to control in the presence of an unexpected gust of wind.

The first rumour that arises is easy to squash - they got married shotgun because Jinyoung was pregnant. When Jinyoung’s manager sent the link, Jinyoung and Jaebeom shared a look - both realising that the topic of children was never discussed properly. So they talked, both sitting down at their kitchen over a bottle of wine gifted by Youngjae that Jinyoung posted a selfie with.

It was then that Jaebeom understood how Jinyoung showed him a world that was beyond his wildest imaginations.

Six years ago, he was a boy who was scouted off the internet after his Bboy competition video went viral. He was a fresh face in the industry, who made friends and lost friends along the way. At a low point in his life, Jaebeom had slept around in clubs and leaned into that stereotype of being an unpredictable, bull-headed alpha. He was a terror to work with, and he was thankful that his manager still put up with him even when he broke every unspoken rule of the label company.

It took a few years for Jaebeom to find himself and even then, he was merely trying to stay afloat. No longer doing what the media expected from him, but being too afraid to do what he wanted. When he met Jinyoung, he was far from what he was like in the early days but he was still directionless. Still basing his identity as being a renowned Bboy, and unable to see past that to acknowledge that he was more than what he’s known for.

It was only through Jinyoung’s unwavering and utter faith in him that Jaebeom was willing to share his music, his personal taste with the label. So gradually, he shed that media-manufactured image of him as a hardened alpha, angled to be the wet dreams of omegas. To become someone more genuine, and someone that he was more proud to be.

While Jinyoung pushed Jaebeom to be a better version of himself, Jaebeom was there to make sure that someone was there to catch Jinyoung when he faltered. The other was always very quietly stubborn, having carved his way to stardom. Jinyoung never knew when to take a break and Jaebeom knows that somehow, Jinyoung feels that everything he’s achieved is fleeting and temporal.

Never really trusting the success that he attains. So Jinyoung works harder and when he’s met with a setback, he works ten times harder to make up for it. So Jaebeom is there to always remind Jinyoung that he’s more than how many awards he’s won, to remind Jinyoung that he’s more than the character he plays on television. Jaebeom knows that it’s easy for actors to lose themselves in the process of acting, but he’s always there to pull Jinyoung back before he falls too deep.

They’re two pieces of a puzzle, the yin and the yang. They’re uniquely different but perfect when put together. Two pieces of a fractured puzzle that become whole and better when put together.

It’s also part of Jinyoung’s personality to care a lot about what the media says, despite his adamant refusal to play by their rules. Jinyoung’s entire management and staff know Jinyoung as that artist who they don’t have to worry about succumbing to media pressure because they think he’s ‘above that’. Whatever that means. No one is above the pressure the media exerts and Jaebeom watches how bothered Jinyoung is about his image in the security of their own home.

Days after the first episode of a drama he stars in, Jinyoung would be prowling social media and reading opinions of fans. It’s even worse if it’s a reality television programme, where things aren’t filmed in advance. Jaebeom always keeps a special eye on Jinyoung on those days. The burden of being a celebrity isn’t kind to anyone but somehow it always seems like Jinyoung carries a much heavier burden than anyone else Jaebeom has met.

It’s a few months of blissful peace, before the next scandal strikes and it isn’t something like trivial gossip that makes it into gossip magazines. It’s headline news that causes Jinyoung to be called into the company to have a sit-down discussion. It’s just Jaebeom’s luck that he’s in another country filming his music video and he wasn’t made aware of the whole debacle till he was 30,000 feet in the air and mindlessly scrolling through social media.

The headlines and banners on Naver were all about Jinyoung being a fraud and Jaebeom’s heart sinks. He shakes his manager awake and despite his manager’s affrontedness at having been woken up, he sobers immediately when he notices Jaebeom’s panicked expression.

“What is it Jaebeom-ah?” Jaebeom quickly scrolls to the article in question and passes the phone to his manager whose gaze widens when reading the contents before it narrows and it’s evident that whatever is written is outrageous.

Though it’s the comments under the articles that sicken him.

> USER#672:“Despite his up-tight attitude, guess he wasn’t tight enough to keep his alpha.”
> 
>   
>  USER#456: “Pretty sure I saw Im Jaebeom in Japan with another omega hanging around him.”
> 
>   
>  USER#111: “What a fraud, omega activist my ass. He fucking married an alpha in secret and made the alpha accompany him to all your other events but not this one?”
> 
> USER#824: “He should just admit that he’s ashamed to be married to alpha and leave, always knew he was just riding on the clout of being a social activist.”

“Jinyoung isn’t replying my text messages, and my calls have been unanswered. He hasn’t been replying them since yesterday but I just thought he was busy. Do you mind calling his manager for me?” Jaebeom asks his manager before worrying his bottom lip as he types out yet another text to Jinyoung, only to be left on a single tick.

 _He must’ve turned off his phone._ Jaebeom sighs, and pinches the bridge of his nose. His heart sinking when he realises that Jinyoung was most likely alone right now, Youngjae was in Japan directing his new film. For the rest of the flight, Jaebeom isn’t able to sleep despite how exhausted he is from non-stop light exposure and set changes in the past two days.

He’d told Jinyoung that he wasn’t able to accompany him to the Omega rights gala and Jinyoung had reassured him it was fine, for it to be blown out of proportion was unexpected. He would’ve thought that their ‘secret’ wedding was old news by now. Jaebeom knows first-hand how much the cause meant to Jinyoung and how much work the younger puts into it, from the number of pro-bono publicity shoots Jinyoung has done for the association.

All for it to be undone, due to their own selfish need for valuing their privacy. The image of a non-profit had been dragged under with them as well, and Jaebeom can’t imagine how well Jinyoung is taking this.

As soon as the plane lands, Jaebeom books it from the airport. Not sparing the fans any attention, it’ll come to bite him in the ass later but he’ll cross the bridge when he gets to it. He doesn’t even bother getting his luggage, trusting his manager to take care of it for him. As soon as he exits the airport, he hails a cab and rushes home after getting the confirmation from his manager that Jinyoung had been dropped home after the meeting with his CEO, and that all his schedules were suspended.

Jaebeom tries to think of Jinyoung’s schedule as the cab whizzes through the city and approaches their residential area. It’s only at the security gate that he remembers that Jinyoung has a schedule with Eric-hyung, who Jinyoung has been looking up to since he was training to be an actor.

Jinyoung had been looking forward to the schedule for a month, and it was always endearing to Jaebeom to watch Jinyoung watch re-runs of the reality show to figure out the best method of winning, and Jaebeom knows how much Jinyoung struggles with reality shows. The younger having joked that any reality show he appears on would be having its last season.

Still, Jaebeom doesn’t know in what state he’ll find Jinyoung in. He thanks the cab driver before giving the apartment security guard a polite smile before entering the elevator, his heart thumping as his mind whirrs with the possibilities of how Jinyoung would be dealing with this PR nightmare.

He keys in the passcode to their apartment and creaks open the door, only to be met with a dark living room and the Animal Planet playing on their television. It’s as clear as day of an indicator to how Jinyoung is feeling as the other only watches Animal Planet when he’s feeling miserable, no sane human would willingly watch a baby elephant be killed for its tusks.

Jaebeom notices the lump on the sofa, and his gaze falls on the cluttered coffee table that is piled with empty takeout containers and a melting tub of mint chocolate ice-cream, that on a regular day. Jinyoung would not touch with a ten-foot pole.

He doesn’t know what expression his face is showcasing, but it mustn’t be pleasant as Jinyoung who sits up, takes one glance at Jaebeom before he shrinks in on himself. That’s when Jaebeom softens his expression and approaches the couch, standing a distance away from Jinyoung to give him an out if he needed it.

“Jinyoungie -”

“You’re angry, I’m sorry. I swear I’m not ashamed of you, god I’m sorry it came across that way. I know I’m not very good at expressing myself and I know I’m not touchy or clingy but I swear I - I’m not ashamed of you. I-I really really l-love you Jaebeom.”

Jaebeom is stunned at the words that tumble out of Jinyoung’s lip as the younger averts eye-contact and hurriedly wipes the tears that are inevitably streaming down his face. Jinyoung barely manages to finish his sentence as he hiccups and more tears stream down his face, the tiny choked gasps of air that Jinyoung greedily inhales is akin to a quiver of arrows being shot at Jaebeom’s heart.

It’s heartbreaking to watch Jinyoung cry, even though he’s one of the prettiest criers Jaebeom has ever seen. Jaebeom settles on the couch next to Jinyoung, gently rubbing the younger’s back before counting breaths with Jinyoung to get the other to stop hyperventilating.

It takes a moment for Jinyoung’s breaths to become less ragged and sharp as Jinyoung clenches the front of Jaebeom’s shirt, drenching the front of his shirt with tears. It’s only when Jinyoung’s breathing has relatively evened that Jaebeom shifts away and takes Jinyoung’s hands in his.

“Did you really stress eat because you thought I saw the article and then somehow came to the conclusion that I’d believe you were ashamed of being married to me?”

Jaebeom asks gently, rubbing circles on the top of Jinyoung’s hands as the other takes in a steady gulp of air before looking up at Jaebeom with a tear-stained face and puffy eyes.

“I mean if everyone else on the internet believed it, why wouldn’t you?” Jinyoung replies softly before crawling into Jaebeom’s lap and leaning against Jaebeom’s chest, with his knees pulled close to his chest.

“Well, I didn’t marry the people on the internet, didn’t I? I didn’t date them for the past four years, didn’t I? Do you have that little faith in me baby?” Jaebeom says gently as he secures his hold on Jinyoung. It apparently is the wrong thing to say as Jinyoung’s head is abruptly lifted from Jaebeom’s shoulder and his expression is filled with unfiltered panic.

“No! That’s not - no I trust you. I just - I just ….”

“Got overwhelmed? I read the comments on the article, I can’t imagine what your socials were looking like. Having to deal with ardent fans of mine on top of people who jumped on the bandwagon to tear you down. It’s okay Jinyoungie.”

“You know I love you right Jaebeom-ah?”

“I love you too Jinyoungie, and honestly here I was worried that you’ll be bummed over missing the schedule with Eric hyung.”

“Did you think I would be more upset over that than the potential of you thinking I was ashamed of you?” Jinyoung exclaims as he peers up at Jaebeom with a disapproving gaze and that signature pout of his lips.

“I didn’t consider that you’d thought that I believed entertainment news over my own husband.”

“You’re an asshole Jaebeom.”

“You happen to like my asshole Jinyoungie.”

“You’re gross.”

Jaebeom then lifts Jinyoung bridal style, much to the protests and squawks from the other and proceeds to continue smothering Jinyoung with snuggles on their bed, which had more room and wasn’t surrounded by the smell of take-out.

It takes a year and a little more for the thought of children to resurface and the conversation is started over dinner, when they were watching re-runs of Return of Superman. Jaebeom had reached a point in his career where he’s satisfied with how far he’s come, in which the greedy flames of ambition had been reduced from an inferno to a fire crackling in the fireplace. They’re both at a comfortable point in their careers. Where taking an extended break wouldn’t jeopardise their career.

Jaebeom knows that, but despite the thought of children being something he wanted. He hadn’t thought of bringing it up, because having Jinyoung was more than enough for him. Besides, he wasn’t going to be the one carrying the child if they decided on having one. His life wouldn’t be as greatly impacted as Jinyoung’s would be.

Jinyoung says it with his gaze not leaving the television before making steely eye-contact with Jaebeom, and it’s then that they sit down and plan their schedules. They cleared out their schedules for the remainder of the year, with them only really seriously trying for a baby in October. Utilising the previous month to tie up loose ends on projects they participated in.

It’s the first weekend of their first official break that Jaebeom makes sweet and gentle love with Jinyoung, without any protection with Jinyoung’s contraceptives and heat suppressants, flushed down the toilet.

Jaebeom knew it wasn’t going to be immediate but it still didn’t prepare him for the flash of disappointment when the first pregnancy test comes back negative and he wonders if he manages to mask it quickly enough before Jinyoung notices.

Still, it’s Jinyoung who reassures Jaebeom that it’s normal for omegas who’ve just come off contraceptives to take longer to conceive. Jaebeom remembers smiling softly at Jinyoung and they don’t stop trying. Jinyoung is so insistent on getting pregnant that he downloads fertility cycles applications to ensure that they make love on the days he’s the most fertile.

As the months drag on, Jaebeom notices how Jinyoung’s gaze is dimmer and how he’s more assertive and pushy during sex. It’s an unspoken rule that Jaebeom isn’t to knot Jinyoung anywhere else but his ass. Jaebeom doesn’t mind, because really what is there to complain about?

Yet, he worries. He worries when Jinyoung sneaks into the bathroom at wee hours of the morning to take a pregnancy test and tries to hide the evidence of the negative tests. The first time he notices, Jaebeom sneaks out of bed and hovers at the entrance to the bathroom and watches as a myriad of emotions flickers across Jinyoung’s features.

There’s anger, frustration, disappointment before it finally settles on a crestfallen one. He watches as Jinyoung bundles up the test in toilet roll and chucks it into the trash, and Jaebeom itches to comfort his omega but somehow he feels a little responsible for the anguish Jinyoung was experiencing. He wonders if his comfort was wanted and that indecision is enough to pull him back to bed.

He evens out his breathing and pretends to be asleep till Jinyoung crawls back into bed, and that night he hugs Jinyoung tighter and pulls the younger closer to him. Jaebeom has never felt so helpless in his life, and as much as he wanted to reassure Jinyoung that it’s okay. He couldn’t find the words to say it.

That cycle continues for a couple of months more, with Jinyoung becoming snappier and more irritable. Jaebeom’s ruts hit him even harder, responding to his mate’s breeding instincts and they end up in a vicious cycle of fucking and a looming blanket of tension.

As Jinyoung’s heat approaches once more - it’s his last one before he has to go back on suppressants for his schedule. Jinyoung’s mood takes a nose-dive and whatever normalcy they’ve experienced is disregarded as Jinyoung gets more and more morose. Jaebeom still doesn’t know what to say to him other than the fact that he still loves Jinyoung whole-heartedly and that not having children isn’t going to change that.

It appears to be the wrong thing to say as Jinyoung retreats further into himself and Jaebeom is at his wits end on how to bring him back. Jaebeom is almost regretful that he agreed to try for a baby. In the years of knowing Jinyoung, Jaebeom has never felt as alienated or distant from Jinyoung as he did now.

The only semblance of intimacy they had was during love-making, and even then. Jinyoung was tense and did everything to heighten Jaebeom’s pleasure but not his own. Jaebeom has long stopped pushing for Jinyoung to let him get Jinyoung off after they’re knotted.

It’s their last weekend before they return to their hectic schedule and Jaebeom hears the flush of the toilet and it’s then that Jinyoung returns to their bedroom. Jaebeom watches as Jinyoung drops his pants, clad only in his underwear and crawls onto the bed. Jinyoung doesn’t waste any more time before he clambers into his lap.

Despite his actions, Jinyoung’s body is shaking and Jaebeom can see how his hands are trembling as he unbuttons the first few buttons of Jabeom’s dress shirt. It’s clear that Jinyoung is in no state to do this and it pains Jaebeom that he’s allowed things to reach to this point.

His chest constricts uncomfortably as he swallows harshly.

“Baby. Stop.” Jaebeom says firmly and to Jinyoung’s credit he does, but he continues to press kisses against Jaebeom’s collarbone with a hand reaching towards Jaebeom’s joggers in attempts to stroke his cock through the fabric.

It’s then that Jaebeom takes both hands and cups Jinyoung’s cheeks, and leans his forehead against Jinyoung’s. He does his favourite Eskimo kiss and it’s from that proximity that Jaebeom then notices the unshed tears glistening in Jinyoung’s eyes. Jaebeom pulls away but continues to stroke Jinyoung’s cheekbones, it’s only after a few shaky inhales that the other’s hands fall to his sides.

“I know it’s hard to accept that there’s a possibility that we can’t get what we want no matter how badly we want it, but it hurts me to watch you stress yourself out like that,” Jaebeom says softly, his voice cracking slightly as tears prick his eyes. He shuts his eyes and swallows heavily trying to prevent himself from getting choked up.

“Nyoung-ah. We don't have to do this now. We've only just started trying, it's okay. We're okay without a baby. We have each other. It'll happen when it happens.”

Jaebeom manages to utter out and it’s then that Jinyoung lifts his gaze and after a few beats. His lip wobbles and Jinyoung collapses against Jaebeom’s chest. They both end up crying, and they decide that they weren’t going to keep doing this. Jaebeom knows how much of a strain trying for a baby has put on Jinyoung and he never wanted that kind of stress or distance to be created between them ever again.

Things don’t magically fix themselves after that, but it does get better. Jinyoung is less morose and besides for a few sudden strong bouts of longing that hits the both of them unexpectedly. They’re in a better place and Jaebeom knows that he’d rather have Jinyoung who was happy than to trade Jinyoung’s happiness for the possibility of a child. Afterall, Jinyoung was already who he called family. He couldn’t ask for more.

They go back to having normal sessions of love-making, with Jaebeom being the bottom for the large majority of times to make up for how sore Jinyoung’s ass was during the entire baby-making debacle. They’ve gotten to a point where they can joke about it without being reminded of how they walked away without accomplishing the goal they’d set out to achieve.

It’s an improvement. It helps that they’d gone back to the rigour of their schedules, with them returning home and not having the time or energy to go more than one round in the bedroom. They’re so busy that Jinyoung’s heat catches both of them off guard, funny how maybe half a year ago - they were so aware of Jinyoung’s heat that Jinyoung himself could pinpoint the hour he would be entering full-blown heat.

Jaebeom gets an unassuming text from Jinyoung when he’s simply lounging on the sofa, expecting Jinyoung’s return from an overseas shoot for Youngjae’s newest drama. Jaebeom had been blessed with various candid shots of his husband in Hong Kong, courtesy of none other than Choi Youngjae.

The text from Jinyoung simply reads:

“Clear your schedule for the next three days. I missed my suppressants and I’m in heat.”

Just as Jaebeom had submitted his heat leave, the front door clicks open and in comes Jinyoung. At that moment, Jinyoung’s scent assaults Jaebeom’s senses and everything else passes in a daze as they fall into a heat-induced haze, with Jaebeom barely having the sense to avoid falling into the breeding headspace.

It is a month after Jinyoung’s heat that they hit the industry crunch time. It approaches the end of the year, which means that award shows were packed back to back in their schedules. Before meeting Jinyoung, Jaebeom dreaded award shows because they were always a bore to attend on his own, as a result, Jaebeom used to skip half of them which didn’t do any help to his image as an artist who supported the industry.

Jinyoung has always made it a point to accompany Jaebeom to attend award shows, even when Jaebeom was adamant that it would just be a waste of time. That year, Jaebeom had been nominated for quite a number of award shows and it was just his luck that he was invited to perform as well while Jinyoung was the emcee for a few of those awards.

It didn’t escape Jaebeom’s notice that Jinyoung is much more fatigued than usual and he’s noticed Jinyoung rubbing at his chest more often. He lingers around Jinyoung during award shows where they both are due for re-runs and rehearsals, and Jaebeom takes care of Jinyoung in the way he knows how to. Quietly but consistently.

It’s little things like making Jinyoung lie on his lap during down-times during rehearsals to stop him from running around trying to help and do things that other people have other control. To having Jinyoung lean on him for a quick nap backstage when it was during group stages or a switch in MC’s.

Jaebeom wonders if Jinyoung is ill when one night before Jinyoung’s red carpet event for the film awards, Jinyoung springs out of bed in the wee hours of the morning to puke his guts out. It’s only when Jaebeom rubs the other’s back soothingly and fetching him a glass of warm water that it dawns on Jaebeom that there’s a possibility that Jinyoung might be pregnant.

He keeps his suspicions to himself, not wanting to stress Jinyoung out further but he takes special care to stay by Jinyoung’s side during his share of award shows and is always the first to notice Jinyoung’s fatigue and politely excuses them. Jaebeom wonders if Jinyoung knows too, as the younger resolutely avoids any alcohol even when he wins his fourth daesang. A feat that is unheard of in the industry for someone as young as Jinyoung.

It’s only when the whole award show season is over, that they’re given time to breathe - does Jaebeom really have the time to consider how Jinyoung had been behaving. The younger was slightly pickier about food, choosing to avoid cheese because the smell made him nauseous and it was only after Jaebeom’s repeated prodding that Jinyoung was willing to admit to him that he was experiencing a burning sensation in his lungs.

Jaebeom was having a studio day and he was too distracted with Jinyoung to focus on the track. He fiddles with the sliders for a few more minutes before giving up and telling his hyungs in the studio that he’s going for a walk and asked if they wanted anything from the convenience store. His phone pinged with requests for ice-cream, cup noodles and a pack of cigarettes.

Jaebeom pulls on his hoodie and leaves, pocketing his phone. He arrives at the convenience store and hesitates at the counter while the cashier scans his items before grabbing a few pregnancy tests and sliding it over the counter as well.

The cashier is someone that Jaebeom has known since he’d started at the company and he merely glances up at Jaebeom with a look of surprise, before scanning the items and swiping Jaebeom’s card. Jaebeom expects to have to evade questions but all the cashier does is hand him his items in two separate bags, and pat him on the shoulder.

“It’s been a while since I’ve seen Jinyoung, do relay my well wishes to him.”

Jaebeom nods politely and leaves the convenience store, with one bag in his hand feeling heavier than the other. He arrives back at the studio and hands his hyungs the bag with their requested items, before feeling his phone ring with Youngjae’s ringtone.

It’s then that Jaebeom frowns because to his knowledge Youngjae was filming till pretty late today and wouldn’t have the time to be calling him. It’s when Jaebeom picks up the call that it makes sense to why Youngjae was calling him. It’d been because Jinyoung had an emotional outburst during filming and was now sitting in Youngjae’s trailer crying.

Jaebeom calls his manager and they make their way to the filming site and immediately Jaebeom makes a bee-line to Youngjae’s trailer to see Jinyoung with his head held in his hands, elbows resting on his thighs. He casts a glance at Youngjae to see the younger frowning in concern before Jaebeom squats in front of Jinyoung and asks if Jinyoung wants to go home.

Jinyoung nods and Jaebeom tugs his hoodie over the younger and they dodge their way past the staff and filming crew, avoiding the crowd of paparazzi that have begun to encroach towards Jinyoung’s manager’s van. It’s only when they’re safely in Jaebeom’s manager’s van that Jaebeom lets out a sigh of relief.

Jaebeom remembers hovering outside the bathroom when Jinyoung enters it to take the test and counting down the ninety seconds in his head, in which midway through counting Jinyoung gives up and pulls him into the bathroom with him.

Jaebeom remembers the excitement coursing through his veins, so much so that he felt like a live wire being wired to the power grid for the first time. He was giddy with it when they were surrounded by tangible proof that they were expecting. Jaebeom was vibrating with happiness and Jinyoung was too.

The rest of the day passed by with both of them on cloud nine, mind still being unable to comprehend that after months of trying and anticipating. That they would really have a child of their own in the months to follow.

Jaebeom starts the habit of talking to Jinyoung’s belly as it grows much to the amusement of the younger who would always reward Jaebeom with an affection kiss on the lips whenever he did that. It’s every day that Jaebeom thanks his lucky stars that Jinyoung was pregnant because pregnant Jinyoung was glowing.

Once Mark prescribed Jinyoung with anti-nausea pills and prenatal vitamins, the change in Jinyoung was gradual but it was a relief to Jaebeom as Jinyoung didn’t look pained all the time and was vibrant with what must be the ‘pregnancy glow’. Despite being blessed with such good news, they keep it to themselves. Jinyoung unwilling to let the media know about his pregnancy until it was undeniable because something felt off.

Jaebeom shared the same sentiment, but yet he was wary of keeping it to themselves. Without people being aware of Jinyoung’s pregnancy, excessive hovering or posturing by him as an alpha could be taken in the wrong way and it was agony to do things for Jinyoung that if people knew was done for a pregnant omega - wouldn’t bat an eyelid at.

It’s agony to see Jinyoung come home at midnight, dead on his feet. Yet it was an improvement from his previous habits of coming home at three in the morning because he was determined to perfect the scene and surviving on only granola and yoghurt. Jaebeom tried his best to make sure that Jinyoung was as well taken care of as he could despite his restrictions, and if he were being honest.

He had wanted to tell his managers so many of a time, but always held himself back because he knew that he _shouldn’t_ and that he had _promised_ Jinyoung that he wouldn’t. They didn’t want to jinx something good and they didn’t want to deal with the increase in the volume of press surrounding them if the media were to find out about Jinyoung’s pregnancy.

Jaebeom’s anxiety is heightened when Jinyoung was due for a public appearance, and his baby bump was now obvious under his clothes and it would be as clear as day that he wasn’t simply putting on weight but pregnant if he wore a suit. So it’s then that Jinyoung starts wearing flowy articles of clothing, and Jaebeom follows suit and if Jinyoung notices how close Jaebeom sticks to him, the other doesn’t say a thing about it.

It’s only when Jinyoung is on the verge of a panic attack at having to lie to another director about why he couldn’t do a particular scene where he gets shoved to the ground during a bank robbery that Jaebeom breaks. He can tolerate Jinyoung’s mood swings and venting of his anger.

The one thing he can’t stand is when Jinyoung drives himself into a panic. Jaebeom has only seen Jinyoung have a panic attack twice, and it scared him the first time and now that Jinyoung is carrying a baby - it scares him even more. Jaebeom sinks to his knees and coaches Jinyoung through his breathing, before bringing up the possibility of lawyers drafting a legally binding non-disclosure agreement for their legal protection.

It’s a few days later before Jinyoung caves and quietly admits to Jaebeom that maybe they should come clean about the pregnancy. Jaebeom remembers raising a brow at the statement, peering over Jinyoung’s shoulder and glancing at the other’s phone screen which was filled with comments regarding Jinyoung’s recent Instagram posts.

Jaebeom splays his hand over Jinyoung’s prominent baby bump and kisses Jinyoung on the forehead, with the younger smiling before leaning upwards to kiss Jaebeom on the lips.

That very night that Jaebeom whispers “Good night” to the baby, is an utterance that would continue to haunt Jaebeom for months to come.

The next morning, their morning routine is as per usual. There’s nothing out of the ordinary that would’ve sounded the warning alarms in Jaebeom’s head, they’d had breakfast and Jinyoung had left for his clinic visit before attending his only schedule of the day which was a radio programme. Jaebeom still remembers reminding Jinyoung to text him if he wanted to meet up for lunch and to text him about how the appointment went.

Jaebeom’s day goes as per normal, he shows up at the studio and had just finished hair and make-up before his phone rings. He glances at the caller ID and frowns when he sees that it’s Mark who is calling. With a surreptitious glance at his surroundings, Jaebeom picks up the call at a secluded area within the studio.

The information that is relayed to him causes his blood to run cold. It reminds him of the time he had fallen out of a tree when he was a child and landed on his back, with every wisp of wind knocked out of his lungs from the impact. He was left stunned, as he struggled to inhale or exhale, to do anything but lie there really. That’s exactly how he felt now, as his mind scrambles to remember how to breathe, as his lips forget how to form words, totally stunned as the information bounces around his skull.

“I’m sorry Jaebeom but Jinyoung experienced a missed miscarriage and he’d told me that he’ll tell you himself but I don’t think he should be alone now. I tried calling him but he’d turned off his phone, do you know his manager’s number?”

Jaebeom doesn’t remember what he says next, and somehow he manages to stifle his panic as he operates on auto-pilot for the rest of the shoot. Unwilling and unable to process the information that Mark had just dropped on him like a bomb, he needed to tell someone something, before he imploded on himself.

He calls Jinyoung’s number repeatedly, till his phone dies and Jaebeom is left stunned and it’s only when his manager approaches him to ask if he’s alright that Jaebeom breaks. He doesn’t know if what comes out of his lips was intelligible, but he tells his manager everything and anything. From the colour of the nursery and their list of names for the baby, they will never get to hold.

Jaebeom knows that he should be leaping to find Jinyoung and to comfort his mate who had lost a child as well but somehow he doesn’t feel like he’s adequate. He doesn’t dare to search for Jinyoung, Jaebeom doesn’t think he can look at Jinyoung without feeling a crippling sense of guilt. Logically, Jaebeom knows that nothing he or they could’ve done would have made a difference.

Yet, little decisions that Jaebeom had brushed off float around in his head, before gaining traction and crashing into each other making a crescendo in his mind. Like how maybe he should’ve kept a closer watch on Jinyoung’s diet, been more stubborn when it came to Jinyoung cutting his work hours. Maybe if he did this.or that, they wouldn’t have lost their baby.

It takes a few hours for Jaebeom to get himself back under control, and even that control was being tethered by a fragile rope. He doesn’t know how the photoshoot went, and he doesn’t know how much people overheard in his breakdown but he doesn’t care. The one thing he has to keep him sane and grounded is to find Jinyoung and make sure his husband, his soulmate and his mate is alright.

If Jaebeom is already barely keeping afloat in the ocean of guilt and sadness that he’s swimming in, he can’t imagine Jinyoung faring any better because he was there in person, hearing the silence in place of the once steady heartbeat - a week ago.

His manager drives Jaebeom back to their apartment, while Jaebeom shakily plugs in his phone to charge only to see a void of messages from Jinyoung but many from Mark and Youngjae. Both having heard from Jaebeom’s manager whose next task was to locate Jinyoung and bring him home - because clearly neither Jaebeom nor Jinyoung were fit to be on the road.

Jaebeom doesn’t know how long he spent sitting there staring at his phone, but he’s startled out from his thoughts when the door intercom sounds and he hears the rather concerned voice of the security guard, informing him that Jinyoung had been parked in the parking lot with his headlines on for the past fifteen minutes.

It’s then that Jaebeom finally pulls himself off the floor and he makes his way to the parking lot, the back of his throat still feeling as if it’s harbouring a rock. It takes every ounce of his self-control to not break down sobbing. He expects Jinyoung to acknowledge him, but all Jinyoung does is stare as if he isn’t really seeing Jaebeom but seeing through him.

It causes Jaebeom to panic and Jaebeom pulls Jinyoung out of the driver seat, cupping his cheeks but still not getting a response - simply a blank stare. That’s when the full-blown panic sets in and Jaebeom’s voice escalates in volume as he repeats Jinyoung’s name over and over again.

Jaebeom doesn’t realise how much time has passed before his voice tapers to a broken sob and he simply pulls Jinyoung into an embrace and the urgently raised repetitions of Jinyoung’s names were reduced to whispers. It’s only when Jaebeom hugs Jinyoung tighter to him and presses the other’s face into the crook of his shoulder that Jinyoung allows himself to cry.

For the next day, Jaebeom is at a loss with what to do with a close to catatonic Jinyoung. The younger doesn’t respond to Jaebeom and everything he does is done with a sense of roboticness that Jaebeom worries if Jinyoung had lost his sanity as well. It’s the next morning that Jaebeom makes breakfast and puts on one of Titanic that Jinyoung finally thaws, and they spend the rest of the day in a repetitive cycle of whispered apologies and tears.

The day after that, Jinyoung wakes up and ends up puking his guts out in the bathroom and Jaebeom’s heart twinges at the betrayed look that’s as clear as day on Jinyoung’s features. Jaebeom is there as well when Jinyoung ends up swiping all their hygiene products off their bathroom shelves when he finally musters the courage to look at himself shirtless in a mirror.

Jaebem is there when Jinyoung ends up crying in his arms, after finally allowing Jaebeom to touch him on the third day after the dreaded Monday appointment. Jinyoung wakes up on the furthest edge of the bed, with that gulf of space between him and Jaebeom that never once existed and he ends up in Jaebeom’s arms. Sobbing in that desolate manner that was void of all hope, with tears flowing unchecked. His entire frame shaking like a lone leaf on a dying tree.

“H...how do you not hate me?” Jinyoung chokes out and it’s then that Jaebeom is filled with an emotion other than sadness and it’s unchecked untamed fiery anger. His tears are glistening with angry tears as he chooses to hug Jinyoung as close to him as possible, while hot angry tears streamed down his face - with each tear containing a lamentation at how fucking unfair the world was.

It’s a Friday that Jinyoung and Jaebeom head to the hospital for the surgery to remove the dead tissue from the missed miscarriage, and that sterile unfeeling environment is enough to make Jaebeom hurl.

In the following weeks after Jinyoung was cleared to go back to work, the other jumps at the opportunity to do so. Leaving Jaebeom baffled, hurt and so god damn isolated in his own grief. He doesn’t understand how Jinyoung could simply move on and pretend that everything was alright, he couldn’t handle Jinyoung pushing him away with the other returning home later and later.

Jaebeom hears from Jinyoung’s manager that the other had been pushing himself to his limits every day, be it at the gym with his trainer or on set. Jinyoung’s manager was worried that Jinyoung would work himself into the hospital and the only time Jaebeom managed to catch Jinyoung at a decent hour.

The younger dared to tell Jaebeom that he was planning on starting a non-profit for Pregnancy Loss. It’s then that they have their first fighting match since Jinyoung found out he was pregnant. They poke at each other’s sore spots, poking and searching for a reaction that could evoke anything but grief.

It’s then that Jaebeom utters the words that start the road to recovery.

“It’s not your fault Jinyoung.”

It takes a few moments for Jinyoung to internalise those words because unknowingly he’d been needing to hear that from someone who means it. Someone who truly means it. Someone who knows what it’s like to be buried under layers of guilt with no foreseeable exit.

He thinks Jaebeom needs to hear it to believe it too because Jinyoung isn’t the only one who has been acting strangely. Jaebeom is hypervigilant, and he’s falling back into his old aggressive patterns that were borne from his own insecurity.

“Neither is it yours.”

Things get marginally better, Jaebeom and Jinyoung attend counselling and slowly but surely they’re getting better. A year later they still get morose when the date of that dreaded Monday approaches but a year later - they’re surprised once again with the unexpected possibility of a family.

They’d learned their lesson now. They weren’t going to keep it to themselves and try to hide it for as long as they could, once Jinyoung had gotten confirmation from Mark - they’d told their management teams. Jinyoung pulled out from any physically taxing shoots and Jaebeom had told his label company CEO that Jinyoung came before anything, if they still wanted to keep him in the company.

Still, that fear kept them from truly preparing for the possibility of their child. They’d contracted a designer for the nursery and despite approving the designs, neither of them dared to step a foot into the room and the door remained lock till the first day they brought baby Hyunjin home.

On somedays, Jaebeom does wonder what they would’ve named their first child when looking at Jinyoung exasperatedly chase Hyunjin around while a sleepy Yeji dozes in his arms. He wonders if they’d been a girl or a boy. He wonders if they’re happy in the sky, and he wonders if they know that they would have been loved fiercely and been given the most overprotective parents in the world.

On others, he’s thankful that he has the family he has now but Jaebeom knows that neither Jinyoung nor him would ever forget the child that was theirs but wasn’t theirs to keep.

Jaebeom is startled out of his thoughts when Jinyoung plants a wet kiss on his cheek and his shock startles Yeji who is about to wail before Jinyoung swiftly picks up their daughter and situates her in his arms.

“What are you thinking so deeply about Beomie?” Jinyoung asks with a hum, as he rests his head against Jaebeom’s shoulder while mindlessly rubbing the soft tuff of hair on Yeji’s head.

“Have you ever thought about what you’d name our first ever child?” Jaebeom asks softly, turning his gaze to Yeji as he traces her features. The toddler wrinkling her nose in response as Jaebeom lets out a low chuckle. He notices Jinyoung’s silence and is about to apologise for bringing it up before Jinyoung smiles softly with that contemplative look.

“If they were a girl, I was always hoping to name her Yeo-Reum. She would’ve been born in the summer, and I thought she’d be our very own summer princess who we could dress in sunflower dresses.”

It’s then that Jaebeom is filled with an overwhelming sense of pride for how far they’d come, battling fears and jumping over hurdles to have a shot at their own family. He leans over and presses a kiss to Jinyoung’s lips, with the other greedily chasing Jaebeom’s lips as he pulls away.

“I’m proud of us, and Jinyoung I’d be with you every step of the way. Be it spring, summer, fall or even winter. You’ll never weather a season alone.”

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly, this piece of work was something that I thought of a few months ago. It felt like such a difficult subject to write about and I didn't want to trivialise the issues explored in the fic and honestly, I'm quite nervous about putting this on AO3. Hopefully, it didn't come across as insensitive, over-dramatic or even making light of the situations because that has and will never be my intention. My intention of writing this was really to explore the idea of pregnancy loss in a non-violent way, that paints it in a light other than your typical 'falling down the stairs' or 'getting into an accident'. 
> 
> I've always felt that fictional material and the media never did portray or explore pregnancy loss and its impacts on the individual level. It was always glossed over and simply treated as another plot point with no further development.
> 
> I'm so damn thankful to every single one of you who've decided to give this a read and give this piece of work the time of your day. Thank you for reading to the ramblings of an author and special thanks to @crudescere for giving me the courage to even write this in the first place.
> 
> Do leave a comment and tell me what you think about this!  
> have two ways to scream about GOT7 at me:  
> [twitter @pettypeachie](https://twitter.com/pettypeachie)  
> [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/pettypeachie)


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